By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 1, 2017

Bowdoin Security reported catching four first year boys streaking across the snowy quad last Saturday at 1:00am. As punishment, the security officers forced the students to continue streaking in the snow.

Peter Richards ’20, one of the students reprimanded, commented, “Streaking was really fun until we realized that we probably couldn’t have kids anymore. Then we had to streak more and now we definitely can’t have kids.”

Richards claims to have started out very confident, but said that his confidence diminished at a rate proportional to the difference in temperatures between his genitalia and his surroundings.

“My junk has yet to emerge from my body,” Richards stated. “Yet again, I’m the only one to blame for my blue balls.”

Bowdoin College will not pursue further disciplinary action against the streakers, stating that frostbitten testicles are punishment enough.