By ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 10, 2017

Amidst an increase in applications for financial aid, the Student Aid Office has begun advising students to “just sue somebody.”

“We want to make sure that students are aware of all the options available to them,” said one Student Aid employee. “There’s just all kinds of opportunities to sue somebody for thousands. Getting hit by a car, having a botched kidney transplant, getting discriminated against by an employer. The possibilities are endless.”

“A man had a heart attack next to me on a plane, and now Delta Airlines is paying for my tuition,” said one student. “They also gave me two years of free plane tickets, which was really exciting until I realized they were all Delta”.