By SAM HALPERT May 18, 2017

Upon arriving for his annual checkup, 17-year-old patient and former loser James Bristol sped through the typical medical small talk before arriving at the real reason for the yearly checkup. His doctor, pediatrician Michael Wassmer, glossed over most of the superficial ritual questions about vaccines and testicular cancer before reaching the climax both parties knew was coming: “James, are you sexually active?”

Bristol answered with the four manliest words he knew: “I am sexually active.” After receiving the affirmative response, the doctor stood up and exclaimed that, in his medical opinion, this revelation was, “Pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Beaming all the while, he congratulated the young champion on exiting loserdom. Confetti streamed from the ceiling, several air horns sounded, and scantily clad nurses came in to join on the applause.

Dr. Wassmer noted, “I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. I mean look at the kid. In my medical opinion he was one of the biggest fucking losers to enter my waiting room. Three weeks ago, he closed that chapter of his life and now look at what he’s gone on to do. This is the kind of stuff they don’t prepare you for in med school. This is why you come to work everyday.”