By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 5, 2017

Members of the student band 20/20, who notably made Burn happen earlier this year, have confirmed that they are now just one more College House performance from The Big Time.

“I’m really stoked on all the hookers and blow that we’ll get to buy with our Big Time cash,” said the band’s lead bassoonist Kendall Knight. “Until now, we’ve had to settle for warm Natty Lites and rhythmless hand jobs on the Reed dance floor.”

“The biggest gig we’ve alt-rocked so far has definitely been opening for Smallpools at Ivies,” said background Glockenspiel player James Diamond. “In just a few weeks, I know we’ll be ready for the large pools. Is that weird? We’ll be ready for the big- uh – the big- big time pools. The big time large pools. Fuck it; you know what I mean. Just write it up so I sound cool.”

The band fuses aspects of heavy metal, gospel choir, children’s lullabies sung ominously in horror movie trailers, honky-tonk blues, and forlorn homeless men playing harmonica in boxcars to cultivate their eclectic sound. It’s that sound, along with just one more killer show at Quinby or Mac or whatever, that’s going to take them all the way to The Big Time.

Semi-electric bagpiper and lead chanter Logan Mitchell commented that when the band makes it big and goes off to California, he’s excited to start abusing prescription medications to cope with stardom— just with friends at Big Time Hollywood music parties at first, but eventually progressing to the point where the pill becomes the only thing that gets him out of bed in the morning, and the only thing that can get him to sleep at night. When his addiction gets in the way of the music and he gets kicked out of the band, he says, he’s optimistic that he’ll be able to get his act together, flush his pills down the toilet, reunite with his daughter, and write a new hit song that will show his band mates that he’s truly changed. Mitchell also remarked that if the whole music thing doesn’t work out, he “might go into finance or something.”

20/20’s last show at Helmreich House received rave reviews from a diverse audience that ranged from some of the residents of Helmreich House to some of the friends of some of the residents of Helmreich House. “I didn’t know we were having a thing tonight, but they’re cool I guess,” said one of the band’s many groupies.

Their highly anticipated new single, a sexually explicit cover of the Full House theme song, is expected to drop later this week.