By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 13, 2017

Sophomore Jacob Sloan is considering a career in interior decorating after tossing a scarf over his desk lamp and transforming his dorm room into a Parisian fuck palace.

“My first year here was pretty uneventful vis-à-vis having hot, steamy sex,” said Sloan, “and I realized it was simply due to the lighting in my room. Who could possibly get wet under harsh florescent overhead lights? Draping the vintage scarf my grandmother made me over my desk lamp makes my room look like an anything-goes, masquerade-themed orgy is pretty much inevitable.”

Sloan plans to further sexify his 140 sq. ft. thrust cave with vintage movie posters, oriental rugs that match his new drapes, and an assortment of tasteful black and white nudes, which Sloan says will surely make hypothetical female visitors, “cream their jorts.”

Sloan’s hall mate Brock Ward has chosen to approach his room décor differently. “I like to keep all the handles I drink and put them on my windowsill so everyone knows how sick I am at drinking,” he commented. “I also hung up an American flag and some football jerseys, which everyone thinks is really dope.”

While Ward’s door is usually closed with a sock around the knob, Sloan leaves his open so that the women in his dorm can see that he owns a lamp with a scarf over it. “When I saw Jacob’s lamp I was sure we could probably deeply connect over our mutual love of foreign films and vests,” said dorm mate Kate Flax, “but Brock didn’t try so hard, so I fucked him next to a pile of old pizza boxes. C’est la vie.”