Humanitarian Crisis Deepens As Thorne Runs Out of Vegan Desserts

By JACK ARNHOLZ Oct. 31, 2017

BRUNSWICK – As the Brunswick Blackout worsens, Thorne’s food supply has reportedly been depleted. Entering day two of the crisis, many students say they cannot find any vegan desserts in the dining hall.

“I live for Sin City,” said Junior Nancy Goldstein. “When Dining announced it was all eaten, I took a deep breath and headed to the Specials Fridge. When I got there, however, there was only Jello left. You know, they make Jello out of horses.”img_5313-1

While the Harpoon cannot confirm that Jello is made from horses, Goldstein and other Bowdoin Outing Club members protested the lack of vegan desserts by singing a rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in front of the dining Hall.

“I think it went well,” said Senior Vince Schwalb, who provided piano accompaniment. “We’re in dire straits, you see. Everyone loves Journey. People love Journey almost as much as we love vegan desserts. Also, everyone really loved our performance. We received rousing applause from all our friends, and when I told my mom about it on the phone, she said it sounded nice.”

Thorne Hall’s spokesperson told the Harpoon that Dining apologizes for the lack of vegan desserts; however, they said, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’d like to see Moulton do this.”

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