By ARCHER THOMAS Mar. 30, 2018

Last week, Kevin Bacon revealed that his foot — get this! — his foot actually came loose. Just like Footloose, right? Just like his most successful movie! (Well, if you don’t count A Few Good Men and Apollo 13.) I’ll tell you what, if that happened to me, if my foot just plopped off like a moldy goiter, I’d be pretty Apollo’d, too! Ha! Get it? Like the word “appalled.”

If you don’t get the joke I just crafted, don’t worry, it’s rather high level. I know you’re just reading this, but picture me with my hand parallel to the ground, far below its normal place. That’s where most people are, joke comprehension-wise. Now imagine my hand in the same position but far above my head (roughly eight feet in the air because I’m a lanky sort of person). That’s where I am, comedy-wise. I’m up here, you’re down there. Ha ha! Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’ll explain the joke to you later.

So, do you remember the 1984 film Footloose? The plot, basically, involves a spunky teenager played by Kevin Bacon, who liberates a small town from its fundamentalist leaders using the power of dance. So, it’s called Footloose. The title clearly pertains to liberation and feet. Now, imagine that Kevin Bacon’s foot, which actually appeared in Footloose, ACTUALLY CAME LOOSE. Ha! You see the connection. You’re amused. A smirk is widening across your face, making you look like a gassy baby. Don’t worry, laugh! It’s okay to laugh when someone tells an amazing joke.

Okay, you can stop laughing now. The joke is over. Part of having a productive joke experience is knowing when to end it. I’m a master of ending jokes. Well, I guess my job is done here. I told my joke and you had a deep, hearty laugh. Check-aroonie.