By BROOKE VAHOS and JACOB BASKES Apr. 13, 2018
Three prospective students were caught in the crossfire at last night’s annual Battle of the Bands. Their families have been notified, and Admissions has arranged proper burial ceremonies.
The prospective students were all visiting as part of Accepted Students Weekend. They had attended the concert with their host students, who had quickly abandoned them upon entering the Pub.
“Oh, Michael?” said one of the host students, a junior. “Yeah, he was kind of weird. I don’t know. I also never talked to him.” The other host students gave similar responses.
The battle escalated soon after Dean Tim Foster gave The Commission a solid six out of twenty, while 2020 was given a nineteen. The Commission drummer Nicholas Cattaneo then challenged 2020 drummer Joshua Brooks to hand-to-hand mortal combat, which then ended in Cattaneo crying in Brooks’ arms. Some of the audience members, however, took up the offer amongst themselves and bodies began to fall to the floor.
By the end of the night, six members of the Class of 2021 were taken to Midcoast Hospital after suffering guitar-related impalements, while another was seriously injured after a flying cymbal left her with terrible bangs.
The worst casualties, however, were three prospective students, all from the remote right-outside-of-Boston area. All three were pronounced dead at 11:06 pm from blunt force trauma by a rogue triangle.
The prospies will be given a Viking funeral at the Schiller Coastal Studies Center, and have a statue built in their honor in Jack Magee’s Pub. All three will receive honorary degrees with majors in The Arts of War.
Next year’s Battle of the Bands has been scheduled for Thursday, April 11th, 2019.