By NATHAN ASHANY Apr. 11, 2018

Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told the Senate Judiciary Committee this week that he was committed to repairing the fundamental problems at the tech giant that led to the access of over 87 million users’ information by Cambridge Analytica. Namely, Zuckerberg plans to fix the issues by bringing in an expert plumber.
“We will combat these leaks with full force,” Zuckerberg told the committee on Tuesday. “My guy Joe that I use at home is coming sometime in two weeks. He’ll be here between noon and 5pm — we just have to make sure somebody’s in the office when he gets there. Fixed my dripping sink a while back and now it’s as tight as our privacy settings claim to be. Great guy.”

The committee members pressed Zuckerberg on his company’s future efforts, with ranking member Dianne Feinstein, Democrat of California, asking “whether [he] can really trust this Joe guy to get the job done for cheap.”

“The guy who cuts my lawn says his brother is great with plumbing and leak stuff,” Feinstein continued. “Maybe you should call him? It’s real tough to find a good, reliable plumber these days. Can’t trust anyone.”

Senator Jeff Flake, Republican of Arizona, echoed Feinstein’s concerns, telling Zuckerberg he should “talk to [his] handyman Hank” because he “is always on time, and knows all about pipes and pipe stuff and things.”

When asked for comment, the American people told reporters that Zuckerberg, the committee, and everyone involved with the data scandal are “completely incompetent.”

The American people then went back on their phones to check their newsfeed.