By SUMMERS ASKEW Apr. 30, 2018
In a landmark manslaughter case set in court last weekend, Judge Able Adams found and accepted “just ‘cuz” as just cause for the killing.
“No, Stacey didn’t do anything wrong to me or anything,” said self-proclaimed-murderer-with-too-much-time-on-her-hands Jessica Kelly. “I think I was just bored or something?”
Despite the carefully premeditated and surgically precise execution of Stacey Green, Judge Adams accepted Kelly’s reasoning as appropriate just cause for her actions.
“I totally get it. Sometimes we don’t know why we do things; we do them just because. I just appreciate Kelly’s transparency and choose to reward it in this time of lax accountability within the judicial system,” said Adams. “I’d hate to hold her to a higher standard than, say, the police, or our nation’s president.”
Judge Adams did, however, recommend that Kelly pick up a hobby to prevent a repeat situation. Specifically, he recommended macramé, the art of knot tying.
“I really do hope my newfound pastime will fill the void that murder will leave,” responded Kelly, as she pulled a pick-axe out of her backpack while eyeing Adams.