By KATE MCKEE Oct. 11, 2018

President Clayton Rose has announced that the College will be eliminating the campus’s blue light emergency system. Instead, they will be turned red to create Maine’s very first Red Light District.

“I am very pleased to announce this major change on campus,” President Rose stated. “I think this will become a major source of income for the College. Who knows what we will be able to build next—maybe Maine’s first Sexual Artifacts Museum. We already have vendors looking to come on campus and, until we can make something truly permanent, they will just set up pop-up shops in Smith Union.”

Director of Campus Security Randy Nichols is also excited about this idea.

“No one ever uses the blue lights anyway. We spend too much each year just keeping them lit all the time. The Eco Reps are really up our asses about it. I think that the revenue generated by the pop-up shops will be able to cover all kinds of campus expenses.”

One particularly attractive feature of the new Red Light system is that students can phone a sex worker to come to their exact location via Bowdoin Shuttle within sixty-eight to seventy seconds.

Students seem very enthusiastic about this aspect of the new system. “I think that this will dramatically improve Bowdoin’s hookup culture,” said senior Toby Smalls, “All the time wasted in Ladd basement trying to hookup with first-years when I could have been at one of the Red Lights, just getting someone to do the dirty work. No awkward Sunday brunch for me!”

The pop-up sex shops are slated to come to campus as soon as tonight. Students are expected to come quickly after.