By Macey Barker Sept. 22, 2018

We are nearly a month into the semester and students have already declared bankruptcy due to the exorbitantly high cost of laundry. The demand of a $1.70 for each load means that even ramen seems like a delicacy. The “fresh linen” scent that was noticeable in the first week of the semester is gone and all that remains is crippling debt.

Students have resorted to shoving all their clothes in one load hoping that at least one piece will get clean. Students’ tears are the primary source of water for the rinse cycle and, with no money for a dryer cycle, some have begun using hairdryers, fans, the radiator, open windows, clothes lines across the quad, just blowing on clothes, or simply wearing wet t-shirts to class.

It’s an epidemic that has spread all across the campus. One student was seen wearing the same grey, crotch-stained sweatpants and Bob Marley tee that he strutted around campus in three weeks ago. The professors have begun wearing operating masks to class because the gym-locker-sweat-socks-please-take-a-shower stench has permeated all the air on campus.

If this continues for any longer, the atmosphere around campus will become absolutely vile. It will be just like Stephen King’s Under The Dome, but instead of mangled cows there will be gas-masked squirrels. Students are really just hoping Fall Break comes sooner so they can breathe clean air and have their parents do their laundry for them.