by DAN RALSTON Feb. 26, 2019

Students eating in Thorne Hall have been facing extremely low water flow rates at all soda fountains and dispensers in recent weeks. First-year lacrosse player John Bile truly struggled to fill his seventh cup this past Tuesday. “I’ve been here for like 2 hours bro, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m seriously pretty peeved. I’ve got the team bro, they’re all waiting on me,” bemoaned Bile.

As lines have grown increasingly long, the Harpoon has noticed an increase in reports of awkward eye contact with other thirsty students waiting to hydrate. Fortunately for the rest of the Bowdoin community, the hockey team and football team have been eating in Moulton Union’s Dark Room.

Guy Spoof, the dining representative to the Bowdoin Student Government (BSG), told the Harpoon that Facilities Management has been alerted to Thorne’s dribbling water dispensers. When pressed further, Mr. Spoof noted that he liked the dribbling. “The lackluster water flow reminds me of my grandpa dribbling on the seat back when we used to have sleepovers. I think it’s experiences like these that are unique to Bowdoin!”