FEB 25, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. DISASTER STRIKES: BOWDOIN BASKETBALL MISSES OUT ON A BID TO NCAA TOURNAMENT

After a devastating loss to Tufts on Sunday afternoon, Bowdoin women’s basketball possibly won’t advance to the NCAA tournament next week. Tufts, the conference champions, gains an automatic bid to the tournament. Meanwhile, #1 ranked Bowdoin now must anxiously await the decision of the selection committee gods, who are rumored to respond to sacrificial polar bears. Riots and protests are expected to ensue in retirement homes across Cumberland County in response to the loss.

Have a polar bear to sacrifice to the selection committee? Learn how you can help the U-Bears here.

2. CAREER PLANNING REFOCUSES ON PRACTICAL SKILLS, INTERNSHIPS (…. because they weren’t doing that already?)

After coming under fire in recent weeks, Career Planning has devised a radical shift in their goals. They will now focus on helping students prepare to enter the workforce post-graduation. This replaces their previous focus of cultivating the next generation of Wizards and Witches. Counselors will no longer work on teaching spells, correcting broomstick form, and reviewing potions. Todd Hermann and Dighton Spooner will be leaving the CPC during this transition period, and their replacements are expected to shape the new direction of Career Planning.

If you’re not a outgoing senior, learn about the changes to career planning here.

3. SHOULD BOWDOIN HOCKEY FOLLOW THE JV SOCCER MODEL?

After a disappointing season where both the Men’s and Women’s football teams failed to make the NESCAC tournament, one is left to wonder if the teams should follow the model of Bowdoin’s highly successful JV soccer team. After an undefeated season last fall, JV soccer may have been the best Bowdoin sports team this year, playing various club and high school teams. The hockey teams would have plenty of success playing against the local high school team’s that already use Watson Arena for their own practices. Additionally, 25-year-olds on the Bowdoin could test their skills against the high school freshman who bags their handles at Hannaford’s.

Learn about the future of Bowdoin Hockey here.

4. BSG FIGHTS FOR EQUAL ACCESS (to condoms)

The Bowdoin Student Government, the paragon of progress at Bowdoin, took huge steps this week to ensure equal access to resources at Bowdoin, regardless of where you come from or how old you are. Students from all residence halls will now get condoms provided by Res-Life and the BSG. In addition to distributing condoms, RAs will also begin discussing “The Birds and the Bees” with students in upperclass dorms.

Excited to make condom balloons? Learn when they’re coming here.

5. THORNE HALL NOW 2ND FANCIEST PLACE TO EAT IN BRUNSWICK

The recently opened Odd Duck restaurant in downtown Brunswick now offers students a more upscale place to spend their parent’s money. Additionally, all the Moulton Lightroom people will have two options when they want to eat somewhere that doesn’t look like an elementary school cafeteria; the can choose between splurging on Thorne or Odd Duck. However, Odd Duck may be unrivaled because of its “event space.” One can only wonder if Odd Duck can match the “event spaces” of Baxter, Quinby or Reed.

Is your Mom and Dad’s credit card burning a hole in your pocket? Learn about all of their money you can spend at Odd Duck here.

POLL QUESTION: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts? Please respond here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann