God Confesses: “I Was Drunk When I Came Up with Religion”

by THEO DANZIG April 16, 2019

God, the deity you know from Ariana Grande’s “God Is A Woman,” recently admitted that while coming up with most of the world’s major religions, he was severely intoxicated. After a long night involving several bottles of Manischewitz and a game of “Truth or Dare,” God and several of his fraternity buddies penned the bestsellers The Bible and The Quran, not thinking the documents would ever see the light of day.

“I mean, I don’t see how anybody could think I was being serious when I wrote about stoning gays, condoning slavery, and committing murder in my name,” an exasperated God told the Harpoon’s theology correspondent. “Doesn’t anybody get satire?”

God also took the opportunity to disavow anti-vaxxers, suicide bombers, and United States Vice President Mike Pence. Claiming their ideas are in no way representative of His will. God said, “I shouldn’t be blamed for these nutcases. Can’t any reasonable person see that I would never advocate the type of shit they do?”

The star of Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam closed the interview by claiming he simply intended religion to be a practical joke, and never realized it would lead to millions of deaths and some of the world’s most entrenched conflicts. As he put it, “I guess I just shouldn’t drink and create.”

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