by JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2019
French President Emmanuel Macron announced today that a student’s unattended lit candle caused last Monday’s fire at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. While no one was seriously injured in the blaze, Mr. Macron said that the incident suggests that his message about the dangers of lit candles was not getting through.
“While we plan to rebuild Notre Dame within five years, this episode presents a serious problem” Mr. Macron told the Harpoon. “Students still have not gotten the message about these goddamn candles. As a result, not only will we be now prohibiting all candles in College housing, but also all oak beams dating back to the 13th century. Sacré bleu!”
Mr. Macron’s executive decree has many students upset and confused. “My 13th century oak beams add a certain je-ne-sais-pas to my room’s aesthetic,” David Francois ’19 told the Harpoon over a croissant in the Café de Jack Magee. “My boudoir will never be the same.”
After Friday, April 26, any student found with a candle in a residence, even if not lit, will face disciplinary consequences, beginning with expired foie gras.