April 29, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. JUNIORS GENTRIFY LADD

After a struggling Ladd house failed to get enough Senior renters for next year, the house turned to Juniors for an injection of cash and youth to the neighborhood renowned for its quaint and ideal location. However, some residents fear the new Juniors will gentrify the locale, making it harder for generations and generations of Seniors who have lived there to stay. Any complaints can be directed to the Director of Zoning and Permitting Lisa Rendall.

See how you can help preserve the Ladd Culture here. (Yikes the Orient didn’t put this article online. Email orientwebmaster@gmail.com if you are concerned.)

2. JULIA IOFFE TELLS STUDENTS WHAT RUSSIA WANTS, TARGETED BY NERVE AGENT NEXT DAY

Last week, journalist Julia Ioffe came to speak about what Russia wants (and it is more than genuine human connection). Rather, she revealed some of Putin’s deepest and most lustful desires: a Russian eternal hegemony. After such a revealing expose of Putin, former KGB agents were seen sneaking around campus.

Thought you saw some wandering KGB agents? Find out why here.

3. BASEBALL TEAM “FINDS IT GROVE”

Bumbling around in Southern California early in the season, the baseball team was surprisingly unable to find any groves on America’s lush West coast. Nonetheless, the team spent a few weeks earnestly searching in the Brunswick area for a grove, and it appears to have paid off. Baseball is on a hot streak after finding their grove, winning an impressive 3 of their last 6 games. Team captains refused to reveal the location of this mysterious grove that is apparently enhancing their performance.

Learn how you can find your own grove here.

The Harpoon apologizes for the lack of funny and interesting content in the Orient this week.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann