by HOLLY LYNE October 8, 2019
BREAKING NEWS: From an undisclosed whistleblower in New York City, the Harpoon has been informed 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg was spotted drinking a Frappuccino out of a plastic cup and straw. Thunberg allegedly enjoyed her grande vanilla bean coffee while leaving the UN Climate Summit on September 23, where she reminded Republican politicians that driving cars is a dirty joke, but sailing across the ocean is woke.
According to the whistleblower, Thunberg leads a salacious life behind the scenes. The Swedish teen frequently indulges in decadent hobbies such as eating rare 20-ounce steaks, using plastic grocery bags, and flying private.
“She always told me she was skipping class to lead climate strikes, but then her math teacher told me the real story: she goes to hunt polar bears every weekend,” revealed Thunberg’s gym teacher, Ms. Carba DiOxide. “I wouldn’t be surprised if her sail across the ocean were just a Photoshopped vacation on a Disney Cruise.”
The Harpoon reached out to Thunberg to ask if she has considered how her alleged lavish lifestyle could impact the welfare of generations to come. Thunberg responded, “F*ck them kids.”