Student runs for BSG on platform of platforms: More elevated surfaces on which students can dance

by HADLEY JEVON Oct. 7, 2019

Many candidates for BSG positions promise cheaper laundry and more Gucci Mane in college house basements. First year Gretta Yump, on the other hand, went above and beyond in her efforts to make Bowdoin a more welcoming environment by advocating for more elevated surfaces for students to dance on. 

On a recent poster, Yump called the lack of elevated surfaces “an epidemic” at the College. “Baxter is one of the few locations on campus that successfully combines elevated surfaces for dancing with an environment where it’s socially acceptable to use them, apart from the toilet seats in HL, the diving board in Farley, and the Howell roof,” Yump declared at a recent debate. Some students have likened finding and getting on an elevated platform to a game of king of the hill with Bowdoin football players. “It’s not hard to trash them and put them in their place, but it gets old pushing ‘em down,” one women’s hockey player remarked.  “You’ve got to elbow a few intoxicated wannabes out of the way before getting to your rightful place—4 feet above everyone else.” For Yump, this system simply isn’t good enough. “Once up there, you’ve got to maintain the position by being the dancer in the whole room, all the while making sensual eye contact with someone hot,” said Yuma in an exclusive Harpoon interview.

The facts are on the dancers’ side; research has shown standing on top of an elevated surface boosts attractiveness by 37%.  Yuma’s campaign points to numerous examples of unattractive people made attractive by standing on something elevated: President Rose on stage, anyone on a skateboard ever, and all the boys in Dead Poets Society during the “Oh Captain, My Captain” scene.  Though Yump’s campaign was unsuccessful, she has begun to ask for donations for the next election cycle, which can be submitted at getbowdoinhigh.com.

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