By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019

After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”

In a press conference yesterday, Trump announced the new military initiative is part of his America First initiative to stop “Justin from Canada from kidnapping the Cheese Curds on American soil” (Editor’s note: Mr. Trump believes that pop star Justin Bieber runs the Canadian government). Trump also tweeted that he discussed the possibility of declaring war on Canada if tensions continue to escalate, when he met with his cabinets in the White House kitchen.

Sources close to the Harpoon suggest that this new policy platform all stems from a short interview Trump saw on Fox News/Green Bay about an annual poutine festival in Ontario that uses large amounts of Wisconsin cheese curds. The source went on to report that it was unclear whether or not Trump understood that cheese curds are just pieces of curdled milk, and not a Middle Eastern ethnic group.

The troops, which have been arriving over the past few days after flying in from Northern Syria, have started patrolling all cheese manufacturing sites in the state of Wisconsin with tanks and Black Hawk helicopters.

The troops are stopping to question anyone who seems too friendly or is wearing more than one article of jean clothing.