by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 4, 2019

In a statement released during their November 1 press conference, Bowdoin Dining announced: “In observance of the celebration of No Nut November, we will remove almond milk and all other nut milks from Moulton and Thorne. We will not serve nut milks to students until December.” 

“I don’t know what I’ll put in my coffee now,” sobbed vegan activist Blake Evergreen ’23. “It’s not like I can just drink water all month, either. Water is a fish’s house.” Though the vegan community is devastated by the recent mandate, everyone else seems very happy with it. The Treasurer’s Office is relieved to cut the astronomical cost of speciality nut milks from the College’s monthly operations budget, and most people who drink normal cow milk are not even aware that the ban has commenced.

“I absolutely endorse this decision,” said Elizabeth Pecan ’20, a spokesperson for Bowdoin Dining’s student employees. “If you’re going to do No Nut November, you need to do it all the way; you need to restrain yourself at all costs. It is absolutely essential that you avoid nuts in all forms, including butters and milks.”

“This is a groundbreaking first step,” agreed Eduardo Pazos Palma, Director of Religious and Spiritual Life. “I am glad to see the college helping students observe this sacred month and follow its traditions.”

At press time, a cohort of vegans were debating whether or not human milk qualified as an acceptable substitute for almond milk while Bowdoin Dining employees dumped barrels of nut milk into Boston Harbor.