by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019

This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call. 

He recounted, “You really never know when it’s going to happen to you. One minute, you’re waiting in line for the Thorne Hall George Foreman Grill™ to half-cook your turkey and cheese sandwich and suddenly, the girl you penetrated on Saturday, the same girl who you so rudely covered in massive hickies, walks right by you with her friends. I think every single person in Thorne heard my asshole clench when she passed by me. I looked down so fast that I got whiplash. Christ above, she got close enough that I saw the concealer on her neck where she tried to cover up the tracks of my inconsiderate sexual choices. The fear I had is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.” 

When asked for key background details of the 3AM, alcohol-fueled encounter with his one-time lady friend, Ullout revealed that the experience was nothing short of “harrowing.” He claimed, “If I had known before she was going to ask for a glass of water when we got back to my room, that she was going to want to spend the night, or that she was going to try to kiss me during sex, I probably would have pretended to have a stroke in the middle of Lighthouse to get out because Jesus Fucking Christ, I cannot think of anything that I would want to do less.” 

Despite Mark’s anxiety over the near-encounter in Thorne, the jock could not stress enough how grateful he was to have avoided interacting with the woman whose face he so rudely ejaculated onto less than 78 hours before. 

He expressed, “At the end of the day, I am just thankful that this situation did not turn out worse. Christ, if I had accidentally run into her while getting some cereal or had to exchange niceties or—God forbid—discuss how her week was going, I would have probably gone into the bathroom, thrown up, and killed myself right then and there. Of the nearly infinite ways this interaction could have ended, I am ultimately just thankful to have seen it play out in a way in which I will be able to continue to ghost this girl without fear of her thinking that I at all respect her.” 

UPDATE: Sources close to both Ullout and the female student he bedded—who Mark asked to remain unnamed, but who everyone knows is blonde Emma from his Econ class—have confirmed that the vast majority of Bowdoin students find Mark’s female friend to be a “strong seven and a half.” The same sources then confirmed that nearly everyone finds Mark to be a “weak four on a good day.” We apologize for any confusion that Mark’s narcissism may have caused in writing this piece.