by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019
Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.
This massive sale furthers the College’s goal of providing only the “finest genetically modified and herbicide-seasoned vegetables to our students.” When asked about the cancer risk associated with RoundUp weed killer, one of Monsanto’s best-sellers, Monsanto Director of Organic Farm Acquisitions Aye M. Killar said, “According to our warnings on the labels, it’s pretty obvious that you shouldn’t be using this thing if you have any sort of DNA in your body. We actually did our lab testing on cement bricks, of which 27% somehow still got cancer. Not totally sure how that happened.”
Many on campus are worried if the organic garden will still be organic, to which Mr. Killar said calmly, “Of course it will still be organic. I mean as long as the products produced have carbon in them, I’m pretty sure we can label them as organic. The only non-organic vegetables will be grown using our newest patent-pending technique of growing squash on squash courts.”