Nerd Obeys Laws While Drinking Claws

by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 12, 2019

Breaking news: Last Saturday night, Stephen Seltzer ’23 shockingly obeyed the law while drinking a claw.

Seltzer was relaxing with his boys with a freshly chilled Black Cherry White Claw in hand when BPD knocked down the door to his room in Appleton with a battering ram. His friends began to panic, fearing they may receive court citations for underage drinking or have to call up their family lawyers, which is always a pain.

“We were all freaking out, but we told Stephen, ‘Don’t worry man, they can’t write you up while you’re holding a Claw. You’re gonna make it through this,’” recalled Seltzer’s friend and roommate, Thaddeus Block ’23. Block admitted they had foolishly been drinking Natty Light Seltzers, so “the laws” were still in effect.

To the shock and disgust of everyone around him, Seltzer still decided to obey the law. He put his drink away and complied with the BPD’s questioning.

“I was pretty surprised, honestly,” said BPD Sargent James Jones, who apprehended the aforementioned house party. “The kid was freaky. He really seemed to think underage drinking laws applied when drinking Claws.”

Though Seltzer declined to comment for this article, Block further remarked: “Yeah, it was pretty whack. Just drink a Truly if you’re not gonna respect the Claw, man.”

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