by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019

In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later, Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.

At 5:49 PM, Nichols emailed the Bowdoin community saying, “I’ve been out on the road in the last half hour and I want to let you know that there are a lot of icy spots, especially at intersections. I slid around quite a bit.” Witnesses reported seeing a Bowdoin Security vehicle doing donuts around the Coles Tower Circle at 5:44, just minutes before.

“Black ice is dangerous,” Nichols continued. “If you see me coming, get the hell out of the way or I will turn you into pavement. Not on purpose, though, so it will still be your fault.”

At 6:06 PM, Nichols sent a second email with the subject “Oh Shit Oops.” The presence of a second email didn’t shock many students. “I figured they were canceling the Shuttle or something,” said senior Alana Herrera. “And then I read the email. ‘Oh Shit Oops’ is right.”

Writing from his iPad, which many experts have noted is an extremely dangerous driving distraction, especially in the presence of black ice, Nichols explained the details of his accident. “So I’m driving down Maine Street, right? Yeah so the light turns red, and I’m like ‘Oh shit, I don’t think I can stop!’ And this kid walks across on his way to Moulton and I just mow him over with my two ton vehicle. Anyway, I’m still sliding and can’t stop and end up on the 3^rd floor of Searles in my Bowdoin Security van.”

A report issued by Bowdoin Security confirmed that Nichols’ van was found in Searles 313. The student annihilated by the van has yet to be identified. “In any event,” wrote Nichols at the end of his campus-wide message, “please exercise extreme caution when crossing the street. Especially when I’m behind the wheel.”