by NOAH SAPERSTEIN and ATTICUS ORBACH | Oct 28th, 2023

BRUNSWICK – After two weeks of gathering evidence and reviewing the chaotic events from President Safa Zaki’s inauguration weekend, the hard-hitting journalists at the Bowdoin Harpoon are ready to chronicle every moment of the insurrection that took place on October 13th.

7:30 AM – Former President of Bowdoin College Clayton Rose tweets: “We fight like hell. And if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a college anymore.” At the time, students were largely unaware of what the message meant nor what was about to transpire.

7:44 AM – The tweet activates the sleeper cells Clayton Rose placed among various alt-right militant groups and the Polar Investments club during his time at Bowdoin. They are not ready to lose their leader.

8:30 AM – Soon-to-be President Safa Zaki hits snooze on her alarm.

8:34 AM – Soon-to-be President Safa Zaki wakes up, has several awkward conversations with her staff, walks across the quad, and then puts on clothes for the day.

9:00 AM – Several armed right-wing militia groups across Maine and bordering states don badass Punisher blue lives matter face masks, black rifle coffee t-shirts, and body armor. They prepare for the Battle of HL.

9:12 AM – The Polar Investment Club also prepares for rebellion. Replacing their Patagonia vests for Kevlar and their Vineyard Vines Khakis for Vineyard Vines cargo pants, they load up G-wagons and refresh the stock market app. The S&P 500 is up, but Bowdoin’s next president is going DOWN!

10:00 AM – Eliza Madigan senses something wrong. Her roommates convince her it’s nothing, just her IBS acting up. She ignores her gut and goes back to bed. This mistake will have major ramifications for Bowdoin College.

10:30 AM – The inaugural festivities begin with food trucks and old people on the Quad. A great opportunity to run into that professor you still owe a paper to (it’s three weeks overdue). Under the leadership of Clayton Rose, the Wall Street community merges forces with the Proud Boys. What will happen next will shock all of campus.

11:17 AM – After circling the building, half for intimidation and half because they weren’t sure where the entrance was, for the first time this semester, the entirety of the men’s hockey team, followed by the rest of Polar investments and the Proud boys, breach the doors of HL.

11:18 AM – 10 football players run back out of HL thinking that a bomb had been set off. It
turned out to just be the ringing in the airpods from the metal detectors.

12:00 PM – The Proud boys, Polar Investment club, and their collective leader, Clayton Rose, send word to Randy that they have taken hostages. 5 unsuspecting GSWS majors are being held captive in the dark bookshelves in the basement of HL.

12:15 PM – Freshly inaugurated, President Zaki releases a statement: “I don’t think it is my place to remark on campus goings on such as this, I hesitate to release a statement because I believe that statements such as this never do what we want them to. Though, I would like to add, to the Proud boys and The Polar Investment club, I am the president of everyone at Bowdoin, not just those with moral compasses, and I think we can find a way to work together.”

3:08 PM – The Proud Boys disperse after hearing that Boston University’s new president is a Black
woman. They immediate rechart their course and begin marching south.

3:13 PM – Having lost the majority of their group, the Polar Investment club scattered after Randy threatened to ban them from supers. The Hockey team, while initially intent on returning Clayton Rose as president, discover the power of a damn good novel. They proceed to form a popular book club on campus called Books On Ice (join now on campusgroups!).

4:40 PM – Clayton Rose realizes his army has been squashed and demoralized. He books a one-way ticket to an island his buddy owns for a little vacay.