by THEO DANZIG Feb. 6, 2020
Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.
At first, staffers were slow to suspect anything was amiss, as Trump’s daily schedule typically includes three hours of toilet time divided evenly between Angry Birds and Temple Run. However, after Trump’s irritability had increased well beyond the usual “sleep deprived chimpanzee” level, Physician to the President Sean Conley was sent in to investigate.
A brief examination revealed Trump had not had a bowel movement since the start of his impeachment trial on January 16th. As a result of a diet consisting entirely of fast food and sheet glass, a large mass had formed in Trump’s descending colon. Efforts to give Trump prune juice failed as he refused any liquid which was not soda or a milkshake.
During the State of the Union Address on Tuesday, Trump appeared visibly in pain. In between denouncing deep state conspiracies and awarding Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom, he could be observed clutching his stomach and softly groaning. Apparently, all of Trump’s upcoming public speaking engagements have been cancelled.