Wrong White Guy Hired at Investment Bank, Nobody Notices

By JACK SHANE Feb. 7, 2020

In a recent press release, Deutsche Bank announced that it had accidentally hired the wrong white guy six years earlier and only noticed last week. Internal documents show that the mix up was caused by 78% of resumes being labelled “White Guy”. 

The individual in question, Johnathon Doe, reportedly expressed confusion at his hiring (as he “graduated” with a certificate in meteorology from University of North Southwestern), but decided to keep his trap shut for the sake of a six-figure salary and benefits. In an interview with the Harpoon, Mr. Doe stated that he applied to the job as a joke during a game of Call of Duty and never even expected a courtesy “no.” He went so far as to detail that his resume was “written on an LSD trip while listening to Pitbull.” His prior work experience in finance was “non-existent” to the point that his first paycheck from Deutsche was his “first payment that hadn’t come from a family member.” 

Deutsche Bank’s Head of Talent Acquisition, Richie Schmidt, said in a statement that the bank’s mix-up is “unacceptable,” and that they “will move to address the underlying problems.” Anonymous sources tell the Harpoon that those changes will include numbering the “White Guy” applications, as well as granting job opportunities based on merit.

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