By THE BOWDOIN HARPOON EXECUTIVE TEAM (MOSTLY BLAINE STEVENS)

Are you new here? Yes, we are talking to you too, Class of 2024. Find social and academic success and avoid being shoved into the dumpsters behind Chambo by the old-timers (who know the REAL Bowdoin) with these fast tips!

1. Dodge Delta and make the most of this year. But also if you don’t,you get your own hotel room in Freeport with a queen bed, so keep your options open, to be honest.
2. If you order a “latté with no milk” at the cafe, you’re in for a treat and I’m not talking about coffee. That request is actually a secret code for “I’m here to fuck” and you can expect to be railed by the barista in the gender neutral bathroom on the second floor of Smith shortly.
3. If you order a “macchiato with no milk” at the cafe, watch out! That spicy little order gives the barista legal permission to kill you and you will be summarily executed immediately.
4. Use a vacuum to create space for restoration, renewal and rebuilding. A mop might clean up that mixie you spilled on the floor last night but it won’t help with the path to reviving student culture, reframing your mindset, or alliteration.
5. Be careful in picking who you hook up with! If you get with an uggo, you’re gonna be really embarrassed when the town crier reads your names together from his official hook up scroll to everyone in Thorne the next morning.
6. Randy who? We have a new favorite middle-aged campus icon these days! On this campus, we are ALL friends with that one guy who stands around Brunswick with poster boards saying that all women are whores who deserve to go to Hell. He is fun and cool and we approach him to tell him that we love his work every time we see him.
7. On nights when you have a ton of work, tell everyone within earshot that you are just SO swamped and tell them repeatedly. It’s not annoying at all and everyone will think you’re really brave for being the first student to ever have homework.
8. Hey, Baxter! What the fuck is that smell? Is that… air freshener? Seriously, what the hell are you guys doing? You literally had one job! Now, I want that basement to smell like the liver of a 55 year old former coke-addict alcoholic rockstar. Chop chop!
9. If you order the banana bread at the cafe and then grab it and run, let me know how it goes. I ‘ve always thought about doing that but I wanted to see what would happen first.