by JACOB TRACHTENBERG, November 2021
You can’t fucking stand hookup culture. The walk of shame, the day-after awkwardness, the ruined friendships. Bragging about the night before, about treating classmates like objects. The copious amounts of alcohol and questionable methods of consent. Hookups leave you feeling hopeless and empty. You just can’t stomach the meaninglessness of it all. Well, have I got a solution for you! Just don’t do it. But that can be harder than it sounds. To get you started, I’ve crafted a list of the top ten ways to avoid hooking up at Bowdoin:
- Get yourself canceled.
You don’t have to be openly racist, sexist, or homophobic! Instead, here are other red flags sure to make you celibate:
“I’m a moderate Democrat!”
“The Astros won the World Series legitimately, but Tom Brady cheated!”
“J-Lo = my favorite dean”
“Gelato Fiasco’s just an 8/10” (You’ll probably be fine here, but I’ll cancel you.)
“I lowkey like the cum jokes on YikYak”
- Try The YikYak Strategy.
Everyone would know if it worked. Everyone does know that it won’t.
- Ask them out.
Go back to my dorm? Lol, nah. You and me, Little Tokyo, tomorrow at 7 PM. Wear some nice clothes. That’s a date. We’ll be dating now. Boyfriend, Girlfriend. Still interested?
- Wear a MAGA hat.
No one will ever want anything to do with you. You can wear a Bernie shirt too if it makes you feel better.
- Transfer to Bates.
They don’t have “hookups” there. They just talk about trees and stuff.
- Attend parties virtually.
After 10-30 minutes of making out with your computer screen, you’ll realize it’s not the same.
- Join the Orient.
If this doesn’t work on its own, steal some Orient merchandise so everyone knows.
- Quit your sports team.
If this doesn’t apply to you, you’re well on your way to success! Don’t bother if you play squash.
- Start a lasting relationship.
I don’t know how to do this but I bet it works.
- Unanimously win a Peucinian Disputation.
Wait, nevermind. You’d totally hook up after that.