by JOHN BORIS RANDALL | February 19th, 2023

With a new semester upon us here at Bowdoin, we are experiencing many of the common seasonal changes that New England is famed for. Blankets of white snow cover the campus, overpriced Canada Goose jackets emerge from the closets, and a new class of sophomore women have cast aside their emotionally unavailable athlete exes for horribly manipulative NARP men. A strange and consistent seasonal trend, somehow but inexplicably related to the phenomenon known as “cuffing season”, this dating migration has long been a rite of passage for the women of Bowdoin college. Fortunately, thanks to the wise guidance of our very own Harpoon science research team, we may finally understand more about this understudied pattern. 

From the moment they step foot on campus, the women of Bowdoin are cast into a melting pot of the most vile men this cruel world has to offer, and some seemingly harmless but unathletic men. Are there some good ones in the mix? No, there are not. Everyone is a piece of shit. However, the dating patterns seem to consistently follow the timeline listed below.

About three weeks into school, the average Bowdoin woman has already had an awkward hookup with some quiet nice-guys-finish-last guy on her O-Trip. He will be the kindest man she meets for the next three years. Shortly thereafter, the vast majority seem to end up staying the night at an athlete’s residence instead of her own, even after​ The Intimacy. Does he say nice things to her? No. Is he kind and caring? No. Is he in touch with his feelings and able to communicate those feelings clearly? He once cried at age four but then his dad told him to grow up and he has never been the same. Nevertheless, after a few more “nights” of passionless sex, a beautiful couple is born. 

This will often continue until the late spring of her first year when she realizes that she is bored. After the four official and three unofficial concussions sustained, he has become a husk of a person with an intellectual capacity limited to copying ECON1101 homework answers. She will then leave him, ready to grow up and find someone who’s in touch with his feelings (of general disdain for women) and intelligent (enough to manipulate her for months).

After a summer of hook-ups, it’s time for a new partner. No longer does the average Bowdoin gal lust for the simplicity of an athlete with CTE, but she instead dreams of that one hilarious NARP who is rude and mean to everyone but her. She knows she can fix him and unlock his true soft nature. According to preliminary research, her inner narrative concerning this NARP is a complex but necessary lie allowing her to cope with the fact that he is evil and enjoys toying with her emotions in order to get whatever he wants out of the relationship. While his wit and irresistibly cute curly hair may at first deceive onlookers, do not be fooled. That gangly motherfucker knows what he is doing and he is the black-belt of female manipulation. While the athlete phase typically lasts for about one year, emotionally manipulative NARP men are much more tactful, allowing them to stick around far longer. Even his painted nails are a calculated move: she may think she’s been lucky enough to pull a soft and gender-affirming bisexual, but the nails are just a tactical ploy to convince her he’s in touch with his feminine side. In reality, he’s as misogynist as they come (and he’ll certainly never make her come). Queerbaiting has finally made it from the screen to the bedroom.

Now, given what is thus far known about this manipulative NARP man, one might be asking oneself: why on earth would anyone pursue such a man? But look no further than what we have termed the “Pete Davidson Phenomenon” to demonstrate the allure of the shockingly unathletic man/racoon hybrid. On the surface, there may be literally nothing appealing about this man, but it’s what’s beneath the outer layers that is enticing. His icy exterior belies a heart of gold. Just kidding–it’s the fact that he’s more well-endowed than Bowdoin College. Probably. We’re not really sure. But what else could possibly explain why the hottest sophomore girl you know is dating a glorified piece of celery with the constitution of the average 1840s Irish potato famine victim?

If you or a loved one has been in close proximity to either type of man described above, please know that all hope is not lost. We at the Harpoon love you and actually view you as a real person with important opinions and emotions. To fill the void he created, maybe write an article or two? That or reach out to 1-800-OUTOFHISLEAGUE. There is hope and someday maybe you too can be treated like an actual human being.