Opinion: I’m Rudolph the Red State Reindeer And I’ve Had Enough

By Rudolph (Jason Olaru-Hagen)

I’m tired of this left-wing liberal bullshit. Every year they try to take Christmas away. I used to think everybody loved Christmas. And they should, I work so hard so they can all have their presents. Nobody understands how stressful it is guiding a sleigh with four billion packages through a storm with just a stupid tiny red light on your nose. Nobody ever asks me how I do it. Nobody ever wonders what years of all the other reindeer laughing and calling me names has done to my psyche. Nobody cares. But I still go out and light the way every year because every child deserves the magic of gift-giving. Then I saw Bill O’Reilly’s report on the War on Christmas. I wasn’t a big Fox News guy before that – I would just put it on when CNN did a boring special on some bullshit Jake Tapper likes. But that was the first time a news anchor really spoke to me. I was shocked that there were actually anti-Christmas people. Like Starbucks and their fucking “holiday” cups. Well, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday. Halloween is a holiday. But the cups are red and green, so they aren’t for those other fucking holidays, they’re for CHRISTMAS.

When I try to talk to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen about this stuff all of them look at me like I’m crazy. They say I should stop watching so much TV. That plenty of young boys and girls all over the world still have Christmas cheer, and that the winter holidays of all ethnic and religious traditions should be treated equally. That’s how I know that the fake news media has already gotten to them. I’ve tried my best to help them understand. I talked to Donner about how communist principles are giving kids detention for wearing ugly Christmas sweaters to class. I told Prancer that blue-haired feminists are trying to cancel mistletoes. But they just try to change the subject everytime I bring something like that up. This week was the last fucking straw. On Tuesday I was heading back to the stable after work and I overheard Comet and Cupid talking about Kanye’s appearance on Alex Jones. Comet said something like “I don’t understand how anybody can listen to his music anymore” and Cupid agreed and said that Kanye is a Nazi. Follow God is one of my favorite albums so hearing that shit pissed me off. I’m like, “Did you actually listen to the interview? He said he has love for EVERYONE man, Nazi or Jew. What’s wrong with that?” I think I made a great point, but now it looks like I’m not getting invited to Christmas dinner with Santa and all the reindeer! Well, if they don’t want to spend time with me I’ve got tons of friends on Discord who’d love to hang out with Rudolph the fucking Reindeer!

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