If You’re Gonna Be White, You Should at Least Be Irish or Jewish or Something 

by LEENA KAUR | March 17th, 2023

I think I speak for all people of color (yes we are a monolith) when I say that it is really uncomfortable when a white person is just plain mayonnaise wonder bread white, with no history of oppression. Like Brad, how am I supposed to relate to you when your ancestors spent centuries colonizing mine? 

If you were at least 1% Irish, we could make mutual jokes about colonization and British “people.” If you were something even better, like Jewish, we could more easily forget the discrimination Irish-Americans practiced towards African Americans. It’s just really weird to have no history of oppression whatsoever, like that one really rich kid who goes to a public school full of what his parents call ‘welfare leeches.’

Not to mention how boring it is, I mean, if you’re Jewish or Italian you’re basically a person of color and should be able to say racial slurs. But if you’re just German, British, or French? How am I supposed to interact with you? What if I jokingly refer to someone as Hitler and you say hey fuck off he was my grandpas best friend? What if we drive past a confederate flag and you salute it? What if you reported all the Queen Elizabeth memes as hate speech?

At least if you were some type of oppressed white, you could vote for republicans without guilt since you too are “one of us.” If you’re an unsalted cracker, please consider using some of the spices you spent centuries colonizing POC countries for. Lastly, I think it goes without saying that blondes should dye their hair brown … Why are you WHITE white? Side eye.

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