Yesterday, Bowdoin Conservatives announced the results of their recent referendum on whether or not female students would be permitted to join the club. With 100% of members voting, the total votes were two for and one against permanently banning women.

The results add another banned group the current list of banned identities at Bowdoin Conservatives which include “People with Blue Hair,” “The Gays,” and “Kayakers.” Along with the results, the club sent a statement to The Bowdoin Harpoon: 

“We would like to start this statement by condemning Hamas. Moving to the matters at hand, we are thrilled to announce the results of our referendum. With this result, we take the first step into a more grounded, traditional approach to politics. While women are valuable for things like farming and childrearing, their weaker constitutions make them ill-suited for the important debates we have here at Bowdoin Conservatives. Additionally, this measure will ensure a number of practical objectives are met. For one, our members now will no longer be distracted from their philosophical discussions by visible shoulders and ankles. This measure will also help us to resist those pesky feelings of empathy when it comes to issues like abortion or paid maternal leave. As we continue to grow, we welcome all eligible students to come join us!”

The lone dissenting ballot was cast by first-year Amanda Thatcher, an international student from Grantham, England. In a statement she posted to her instagram story, she explained that “while I’m sad I will no longer be a part of the group I cherish the most on campus, I am excited to learn more about milling my own flour.” When we reached out for a comment, her husband told us to go to hell.

In other news, Bowdoin Conservatives are excited to host their first cookout to recruit new members. Interestingly, this is going to be the first cookout where getting invited actually makes you seem more racist. While it’s hard to resist delicious dishes like peas and chips, our staff at The Bowdoin Harpoon think it may be best for us to avoid the club for a little while….