BY SPENCER SUSSMAN

First-years and sophomores flocked to Baxter house last Friday expecting all the hallmarks of an epic college house rager: booze, bumping music, and being uncomfortably shoved from behind by a large and terrifying man.

Instead, party-goers were greeted by a dance floor only 60% filled, leaving far too much room for bodily autonomy. 

“It was a total flop,” said sophomore Jessie Evans. “At no point during the party was I forcibly pressed body to body against a sweaty and smelly stranger, which is usually the tell-tale sign of a true rager,” Evans explained. 

Others attendees reported similar disappointment. “There wasn’t even a thick heap of sweat and smog ominously rising up the stairs to invite us to enter the basement door,” first-year James Martinez explained disappointingly. 

A crucial part of the college house party experience is dancing exclusively with your friends in one corner of the basement while glaring spitefully at all other friend groups. With a less densely populated function, many found it was far too easy to enjoy the uninterrupted company of their closest friends. 

The party eventually became so bleak that some poor attendees were forced to talk with one another. 

“I had to start talking to the girl next to me to pass the time,” explained first-year Nina Simon. “We actually hit it off and have now formed a wholesome and meaningful friendship that I cherish and honestly think will continue long after Bowdoin. Total snoozefest.”

Luckily, the Brunswick police department quickly shut down the event citing a reverse noise complaint from neighbors.