Tag: All

All, Bowdoin, Maine, Miscellaneous

Lean and Green: Bowdoin Organic Garden loses employees to starvation after less than bountiful harvest.

by TYLER DEANE  | Feb 8th, 2024

Do you ever wonder where your daily apple from Fast Track comes from? When you crunch on a cucumber from the Thorne salad bar, do you think, “where did this meal start its journey?” It most likely did not start at the Bowdoin Organic Garden. This past fall harvest left something to be desired for those who rely on the BOG’s fruitful exports.

The Sustainability Office, I think, runs the garden, where they grow a vast array of crops right next to the maintenance vehicle parking spot behind Osher Hall. The plants produced here are used as the sole food source for a small group of BOC adjacent kids who till the half-acre plot each season Their scraps turn into the steamed vegetables you passed up at Moulton in favor of ghost pepper mac and cheese.

With the worldwide climate reaching indisputable never-before-seen extremes (allegedly) and the squirrels being extra hungry this year, this growing season was one of the most pitiful on record. This has led to sorrowful consequences, including the deaths of two of the aforementioned farmers, Nalgene McMassachusetts (‘26) and Brian “My dad is a Boeing executive” Calhoun (‘24). Even more horrific, the dining halls now have exclusively store bought hot sauce. The leaders of the garden have decided that to ensure their cornucopias never run dry again, they will be implementing the use of MiracleGro and a guy named Jebediah with a chin beard (pictured below) to stand out there and watch over the land.

All, Bowdoin, World

Single Lesbians Settle for BOC Men on Valentine’s Day

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 8th, 2024

Valentine’s Day is stressful for single students; you haven’t talked to your marriage pact since last semester, your campus crush would just be a hail mary, and Bax basement isn’t exactly the place to find love. Most end up spending the Day with their single peers, but this February, Bowdoin’s lesbian population is taking a more resourceful approach. Conveniently, Bowdoin is home to more than one population of mullets and Blundstones. That’s right—those struggling with the female demographic are opting for the next best thing: BOC men.

“Sometimes I can’t even tell the difference,” said one first-year, blaming the common BOC wardrobe of short-sleeve button-down shirts and cargo pants. “Honestly, I’ve accidentally hit on them a few times in the College Houses.” The two groups also conveniently have overlapping interests; our sources report spotting the new “couples” bouldering, working on their Subarus, and comparing Nalgene stickers. 

But soon enough, they will come to terms with reality. A few shared vegetarian meals may ease the pain of a lonely Valentine’s Day, but BOC men will never replace the real thing. Nonetheless, we at the Harpoon hope this serves as a reminder that we’re more alike than we think. Lesbians, if you see a BOC man around campus, give him a tip of your five-panel hat. And we’re sure he’ll tip his back. 

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed

Safa Zaki Found Wandering Aisles of Target 

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Jan 30th, 2024

Guys, I think we ruined Safa Zaki. I was wandering around the Topsham Target, buying things I honestly shouldn’t, considering I have all of $1.62 in my bank account and (despite my numerous petitions) Target doesn’t take Polar Points, when I saw our president riding one of those electric scooters, with no regard for her safety or that of others, hurling half frozen pizzas at unattended children (Chaos Theory: new recruit?). After a swift dive to grab the mouthwash she was guarding, I could hear her cackling and muttering about “those damn gift cards.” Apparently, those weren’t phishing emails! President Zaki really did need our phone numbers for an assignment, the assignment being purchasing some $200 in Target gift cards to buy her hot girl things™. I guess Bowdoin doesn’t pay its faculty nearly as much as we thought it did (considering our $2.4 billion endowment last year), and President Zaki has been forced to turn to us, the student body, for help. Without the finances she so desperately needed, she lost her mind and claimed a new home within the walls of the Topsham Target. Needless to say, I did not want to be the one to anger President Zaki, so I got the fuck out of there.

I asked one of those soulless Target employees about our president’s new home. According to him, she’s been a complete nuisance to the store. Customers have been forced to listen to her recite her email from memory, begging them for their numbers from the toilet paper roll throne she has fashioned in the southwest corner of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see another disgruntled employee using a spray bottle to get President Zaki out of a bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish sitting on a shelf. You truly hate to see a diva down like that. She’s become a sort of folk tale to the Topsham residents, who now call her Rat Queen Zaki. Ok, girlboss, we see you!

I guess the moral of the story is to never EVER trust the Bowdoin IT department (fuck you guys for making me update my Mac all the time), and congratulations, President Zaki, on becoming Topsham Target’s new Rat Queen!

Note: Bowdoin is, once again, hiring a new president to take her place as she rules the linoleum aisles of Target, and (completely unrelated) Target is hiring an exterminator.