BY ZAIN BLAIR

Revealing widespread division among the student body, a shocking poll published Monday by the Bowdoin Student Government showed that students were nearly evenly split on whether they should refer to their professors by their first or last name while engaging in sexual acts to boost their grades.

According to the poll, 50.2% of students favor using the professor’s first name during intercourse, with 48.2% of respondents saying that they preferred to call their professor by their last name. Another 1.7% of students said they typically go with a generic pet name, such as “babe” or “honey” to avoid the potential embarrassment of mixing up the names of the various professors they are sleeping with.

However, the assumption that this is a black-and-white discussion may be oversimplifying the debate. “I typically go with their first name, but sometimes using the professor’s last name just really turns me on, especially if they let me call them by their first name in class,” said Isaiah Williams, a junior from Salt Lake City, Utah, who was one of the students surveyed. “One special case is if the professor wants to engage in student-teacher role play in which I am the teacher and they are the student. In that instance, you’ve gotta call them by their first name or even consider using a demeaning nickname to help play into their sexual fantasy and guarantee you get an A.”