Category: Miscellaneous

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, World

An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 2nd, 2024

As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights. 

There truly wasn’t a greater joy than waking up on a lazy Sunday morning, taking the 4 train down to Brooklyn, and spending hours down in the tunnels with my buddies. We talked about our little league teams, the girls we liked at school, and how our parents just didn’t get us. 

As many of you may have seen, the NYPD raided the tunnel earlier this month, claiming it was “illegally excavated,” and throwing around charges like “criminal mischief” and “reckless endangerment.” This story hit particularly close to home for me. 

Sure, the tunnel may have been damaging the structural integrity of neighboring buildings and built without proper notification of the Department of Buildings, but can’t guys have a little fun nowadays? 

Instead of crying because it’s over, I’ve tried to smile because it happened. While it may look like a dirt and debris-filled 60 ft x 8 ft empty passageway to outsiders, to us, it was so much more. It was our basketball court. Our ballfield. Our Beyblade and Pokemon battleground arena. 

You can take the boy out of the tunnel, but you can’t take the tunnel out of the boy. RIP.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Ski Team Decides Enough of No Snow!

by RITZ BORDIA  | Jan 25th, 2024

After a season-long struggle with ice-covered slopes, the Bowdoin Alpine Ski Team has taken matters into their own hands—or rather, their own snow machines. The decision to manufacture their winter wonderland came to fruition during their weekly Thursday night Bolos trip, where the team gathered to discuss the dire need for a more traditional skiing experience.

“We were tired of pretending we were auditioning for a figure skating competition every time we hit the slopes,” remarked a team captain with a twirl and triple axel on the metaphorical ice they have been dealing with. “It was time to bring back the fluffy white stuff that makes skiing, well, skiing.”

Armed with determination and a singular STEM major, the team embarked on a mission to create the perfect snow. The concoction has been affectionately named “Powder-on-the-Go” by its members and is quickly spreading across the campus. 

“We’re basically pioneers of the snow frontier,” said the closest thing to a scientist the team has (an EOS major). “Since they go to a safety school, the Colby Ski Club may have given up, but not us Bears!” 

Due to an unfortunate YikYak leak, this special “Powder-on-the-Go” recipe has been released. Doing my due diligence, and in an effort of transparency, I have provided this recipe but have been told I am not legally allowed to tell you the exact proportions (but, hint, just, like, go look at YikYak).

Ingredients:

  • Coca leaves (preferably from the Andes)
  • Gasoline (obviously)
  • Sulfuric Acid
  • Potassium Permanganate (what?)
  • Sodium Carbonate (for that Fizz)
  • Acetone (for the smell)
  • Hydrochloric acid 
  • Water (stay hydrated!)
  • Baking Soda
  • A sprinkle of fairy dust (apparently, the team has their own fairy farm)

Recipe:

  1. Soak the coca leaves in gasoline for exactly 3 hours. No more, no less
  2. Drain the gasoline
  3. Add sulfuric acid to the mix
  4. Add potassium permanganate and water. If your mixture is purple, you’re on the right track
  5. Strain the mixture and add the sodium carbonate
  6. Add acetone and let that shit evaporate. Your snow should now be sticky and almost perfect
  7. Dissolve in hydrochloric acid
  8. Add some more water and the baking soda, and make that Fizz (I lied; it was not from the sodium carbonate)
  9. Filter, add your fairy dust, and you will be left with the perfect snow
  10. Go snor- I mean, ski!

With love,

A Bowdoin ski and ride member

This article is being monitored by Homeland Security. 

All, Bowdoin, Maine, Miscellaneous

Lean and Green: Bowdoin Organic Garden loses employees to starvation after less than bountiful harvest.

by TYLER DEANE  | Feb 8th, 2024

Do you ever wonder where your daily apple from Fast Track comes from? When you crunch on a cucumber from the Thorne salad bar, do you think, “where did this meal start its journey?” It most likely did not start at the Bowdoin Organic Garden. This past fall harvest left something to be desired for those who rely on the BOG’s fruitful exports.

The Sustainability Office, I think, runs the garden, where they grow a vast array of crops right next to the maintenance vehicle parking spot behind Osher Hall. The plants produced here are used as the sole food source for a small group of BOC adjacent kids who till the half-acre plot each season Their scraps turn into the steamed vegetables you passed up at Moulton in favor of ghost pepper mac and cheese.

With the worldwide climate reaching indisputable never-before-seen extremes (allegedly) and the squirrels being extra hungry this year, this growing season was one of the most pitiful on record. This has led to sorrowful consequences, including the deaths of two of the aforementioned farmers, Nalgene McMassachusetts (‘26) and Brian “My dad is a Boeing executive” Calhoun (‘24). Even more horrific, the dining halls now have exclusively store bought hot sauce. The leaders of the garden have decided that to ensure their cornucopias never run dry again, they will be implementing the use of MiracleGro and a guy named Jebediah with a chin beard (pictured below) to stand out there and watch over the land.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, World

Things I Didn’t Miss About Bowdoin While Being Abroad

by STAFF WRITER | Feb 1st, 2024

By one of the thirty women you know who just got back from their semester in Europe 

Last semester, I studied abroad in [insert bougie country here], and here are some things I absolutely did not miss about Bowdoin:

  • The shockingly dry chicken at the dining halls 
  • Paying $7.89 for a head of lettuce at Hannaford if I decide to cook at home 
  • Opening Grubhub and getting two options (that being Watami and… no that’s actually it, right?)
  • Getting catcalled by the teenagers of the Brunswick High School in their dad’s pick up truck while I’m walking down South street
  • Seeing NARPs wearing shorts in 20 degree weather. Bonus points if it’s a man on the swim team with shaven legs.
  • Getting kicked out of an HL study room at 7pm by a math major who claims to have reserved it for the next 5 hours 
  • Bowdoin computer updates every other day
  • The Orient 
  • Walking into class and seeing that one guy who speaks exactly like ChatGPT would if it was a real person, or that one girl who raises her hand to answer every question with random buzzwords she learned on TikTok
  • Dropping a class because I’m too dumb for it, then joining a new one only to learn that the professor is the “king of cold calls”
  • Ripping Celsius to the point where I feel like I’ve just smoked crack, but really I just have a pile of homework bigger than the average econ professor’s ego
  • Mud season
  • Long line at the mail center
  • Getting yelled at in the mail center to have my student ID ready when it’s literally in my hand
  • Finally getting a biweekly paycheck from working a student job on campus only for it to be like $80
  • Working so hard on an assignment just to get a B- 

There are, however, some things I did actually miss about Bowdoin:

  • Once, I saw a 65 year old man at the beach wearing nothing but a thong, and I just feel like that would never happen at Bowdoin. I didn’t even study abroad in France. 
  • Wearing sweatpants wherever I want while still remaining a part of the norm
  • Cheap drinks at Thursday night Bolos 
  • The Harpoon 
All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Confectionary Contraception: My Safe Sex Saga

by STAFF WRITER  | Jan 30th, 2024

This past weekend I did something that I never thought I’d do: have sex. I know what you’re thinking, a hot sexy guy like me (take my word for it) with a quick wit and a kind heart (I promise) should have no problem finding someone to copulate with. Sadly, it seems that the old adage is true: nice guys always finish last. That is, until this weekend. I was posted up at lighthouse chatting up an absolute ten from my writing seminar, and I worked up the courage to ask her to come back to my room. And get this… she said yes! On the walk back, however, a terrible realization crossed my mind: I don’t have any condoms. “That should be no problem,” an average observer such as yourself might think, “Your proctor definitely has a whole array of sex-related paraphernalia at the ready.” I was once so naïve. As I approached my proctor’s door, I reached into what I thought was the condom bowl only to come out with a handful of candy. Who replaces a condom bowl with a candy bowl?!? Nevertheless, I was determined to finally lose my v-card, so I knew I had to get creative. I opened up a pack of whoppers and I had a revelation. This small, cylindrical wrapper might have been made for three chocolate balls, but that night they would be used for other balls. Luckily, I’m not the most well-endowed fellow (I’m on track), so it was a perfect fit. We ended up having the best thirteen seconds of my life followed by three and a half minutes of cuddling before I kicked her out. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend a whopper wrapper condom, but it’ll do in a pinch. Stay safe out there, bears.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed

Safa Zaki Found Wandering Aisles of Target 

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Jan 30th, 2024

Guys, I think we ruined Safa Zaki. I was wandering around the Topsham Target, buying things I honestly shouldn’t, considering I have all of $1.62 in my bank account and (despite my numerous petitions) Target doesn’t take Polar Points, when I saw our president riding one of those electric scooters, with no regard for her safety or that of others, hurling half frozen pizzas at unattended children (Chaos Theory: new recruit?). After a swift dive to grab the mouthwash she was guarding, I could hear her cackling and muttering about “those damn gift cards.” Apparently, those weren’t phishing emails! President Zaki really did need our phone numbers for an assignment, the assignment being purchasing some $200 in Target gift cards to buy her hot girl things™. I guess Bowdoin doesn’t pay its faculty nearly as much as we thought it did (considering our $2.4 billion endowment last year), and President Zaki has been forced to turn to us, the student body, for help. Without the finances she so desperately needed, she lost her mind and claimed a new home within the walls of the Topsham Target. Needless to say, I did not want to be the one to anger President Zaki, so I got the fuck out of there.

I asked one of those soulless Target employees about our president’s new home. According to him, she’s been a complete nuisance to the store. Customers have been forced to listen to her recite her email from memory, begging them for their numbers from the toilet paper roll throne she has fashioned in the southwest corner of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see another disgruntled employee using a spray bottle to get President Zaki out of a bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish sitting on a shelf. You truly hate to see a diva down like that. She’s become a sort of folk tale to the Topsham residents, who now call her Rat Queen Zaki. Ok, girlboss, we see you!

I guess the moral of the story is to never EVER trust the Bowdoin IT department (fuck you guys for making me update my Mac all the time), and congratulations, President Zaki, on becoming Topsham Target’s new Rat Queen!

Note: Bowdoin is, once again, hiring a new president to take her place as she rules the linoleum aisles of Target, and (completely unrelated) Target is hiring an exterminator.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

I’m sooooo Close to Joining Bowdoin Edges

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023

As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.

I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”

Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.

(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)