Category: Miscellaneous

God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow

by ELIZA JEVON February 12, 2019

Last Sunday, around 2:00 PM, poor little Sally Lovejoy was wandering alone in the meadow after losing her way on a family picnic. Panicked, afraid, and out of data, she was beginning to lose hope.

Then, all of a sudden, God–in all of his glorious nudity–jumped out of a bush.

Continue reading “God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow”

“Sweet Caroline,” “Jessie’s Girl,” and “Stacy’s Mom” Are All the Same Person and Here’s Why

by JACK SHANE February 10, 2019

Before you write this off as the ramblings of a mad man, hear me out. These three songs were released in an order such that the “Sweet Caroline” that Neil Diamond sings about in 1969 is a baby, likely his niece or cousin. The lyrics of Diamond’s song are much less sexually charged than the other two, showing that they are likely about a baby “reaching out to him.” Let’s be honest, there is nothing cuter than babies reaching out. His phrasing implies that he is babysitting this baby as the night “don’t seem so lonely.” He even sings about how perfect it feels “when I’m holding you.” So, either Neil is having a nice moment with his infant niece, or he is fucking this baby. Moving on.

In 1981, Rick Springfield longs to be with his best friend’s girl who, you guessed it, is (probably) named Caroline. Assuming that Neil Diamond was babysitting her between the ages of two and five, Caroline would now be 14-17, perfect age for the girl mentioned in Springfield’s high school anthem. Springfield laments about how Jessie holds her at night, likely reminding her of how her favorite uncle or cousin used to hold her when she was a baby. Hot, right?

Twenty-two years later, in 2003, Fountains of Wayne released the classic hit “Stacy’s Mom” about the same girl. Now a woman in her late 30’s, Caroline has birthed a child, who she named Stacy. This daughter has a boyfriend who longs to see Caroline. According to Rick Springfield, Caroline is a beautiful lady, which this boy now sees as well, even 20 years later. Springfield also grieves over how Caroline looks at Jessie, similar in the way that she is said to stare at the boy mentioned by Fountains of Wayne.

Gritty Live-Action “Dora the Explorer” Reboot to Feature Man Who Teaches French As He Explores Every Inch of a Woman’s Body with His Tongue

by SWIPER THE FOX February 8, 2019

In the last few years, gritty reboots of once light-hearted shows such as “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and “Power Rangers” have taken the world by storm. Turns out, there is a large market for TV resurrections that not only gut your childhood memories, but also piss on their grave. You might even be able to see a penis!

Now it’s everybody’s favorite condescending Latina’s turn. No, not Eva Longoria—Dora the Explorer! Except this time, Dora is Théodore, a sensual 5’4” Frenchman who explores every crevice of a voluptuous woman’s body, communicating with the audience under his breath as he lingers at each and every hole. Through his muttering, the audience learns the basics of the French language and the consequences of untreated late-stage syphilis.

The reboot is named “Théodore le explorateur et la femme rousse en forme de poire,” or in English, Théodore the Explorer and the Red-Haired Pear-Shaped Woman, and it debuts on HBO this spring. Jean-Luc Godard, the renowned filmmaker, called the program “the most titillating thing I’ve seen since I glimpsed Brigitte Bardot at Cannes tenderly applying sunscreen to her hairless cat.” Slavoj Žižek called it “underrated and surprisingly relatable.”

In one notable moment, as Théodore is pleasuring the woman, he begins repeating the word chatte, or “pussy.” Gradually, his voice becomes louder and he encourages the audience to yell along with him. The woman maintains a neutral expression. After the viewers have repeated the word sufficiently, the woman orgasms and Théodore looks directly into the camera while the screen fades to black. It’s a moment that is both emotional and educational.

Instead of Dora’s sidekick Boots, “Théodore le explorateur” features a totally hairless monkey named Sylvain. Generally, Sylvain sits in the background of each shot, eating shards of glass and drinking fine Burgundy wine, providing a humorous counterbalance to the action. Unfortunately, the monkey who plays Sylvain’s temperament was not to the director’s liking and his character gradually disappears over the course of the series.

Although the show is considered “completely child-friendly” in France, the BDSM scene had to be cut out before it was cleared for release in the United States with a PG rating from the MPAA.

Frat Boi Who Unfollowed EDM Playlist Is Castrated

by ELIZA JEVON February 6, 2019

Chaz Johnson was once a loyal member of Sigma Phi. He did a keg stand at every meal, hooked up with the hottest of the Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappas, got decked out in hoodies and jerseys with his brothers, and thrashed around with them in dark dank basements in tandem movements they called dancing. But most importantly, he worshipped EDM. Zedd was his hero. Chaz, who has twice been to the doctor to address the continuous electronic beat pulsing in his left ear, said, “Despite the medical percussions [repercussions], no one can take EDM away from me.”

Albums upon albums of EDM dominated his Spotify account. As the vibe of the fraternity drastically changes from night to night, he needed to have a different playlist for each possible scene. He curated twelve playlists that were “totally different” from one another and “for sure unique.” “Body” is on all of them.

However, while Chaz claimed to be an EDM fan, his Spotify 2018 Wrapped report revealed otherwise. In reality, Chaz was in love with indie-folk. In his words, “There is something magical about creating music through blowing on grass and carving banjos out of trees.” The way the guitars strum together in perfect harmony reminded of him of his childhood, summering on Nantucket. He actually had plans to run away to California, live in a shack, and build up his own indie-folk music empire all on his own with an interest-free billion dollar loan from Daddy. Chaz was totally dedicated to this genre.

So one day, Chaz decided enough was enough. He would unfollow EDM and give his soul to the world of indie-folk. However, hours before Chaz boarded his first class flight to California (he needs extra leg room for his emotional support animal, Al the pygmy llama), Sigma Phi sacked him, tied him to a urinal, and offered him his weapon of choice. “You know the price,” they said in cult-like unison. Listening to anything other than the holy chants of EDM was sacrilegious. His fraternity brethren had not raised him this way. The years of not hazing Chaz was supposed to teach him that the only way to success was through EDM. It was the melody of the brotherhood.

Chaz had failed his brothers and, most importantly, failed himself. Castration was the only logical conclusion. He would never have an heir; he would never be able to create a sinful male child with an inherited distaste for EDM.

But it was all worth it. Chaz was off to study guitar and peace in Cali. Sigma Phi, like his college education, was “Lost in the Fire.” EDM, like what remained under his long-boarding shorts, would be just a small distant memory.

Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break

by  BROOKE VAHOS and ELIZA JEVON Jan. 24, 2019

Hailing from Vancouver originally, Remington the Goose decided it was time for a change of scenery.  He so hated wearing his threadbare $1050 Expedition Multi-Pocket Parka Coat with Fur Hood. Drag racing his Lamborghini through the snow was getting old (he was generous enough to give his livery driver a break from time to time). So, he had Roger pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcases and book the next flight to Tijuana, Mexico. Continue reading “Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break”

I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!

By AINE LAWLOR Oct. 1, 2018

I have received like four emails and at least six letters saying that I have a court date I need to attend and like why don’t they get that I am not interested. I mean seriously people, I’ve posted about my bae like 4 times – get the message! Continue reading “I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!”