MATT STEIN

New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.

Unsurprisingly, 88% of students were listening to The Stallion, Pt. 3 (Live) by Ween right before they last had sex. Only 3% of those students continued listening to Ween during sex. 6% of students were listening to Ask the Dragon (Ween Remix) by Yoko Ono & IMA. The other 6% were not listening to any music at all.

100% of survey participants had had elk steak and raw milk right before they were approached for sex. 55% of students surveyed were at 24 College Street right before they had sex. 22% were at Stowe Inn and the remaining 3% were dining at Jack McGee’s Pub and Grill. Unsurprisingly, 100% of the students who were at 24 College Street moved to Stowe Inn at some point during sex, while 100% of students who were at Stowe Inn moved to 24 College Street at some point during sex. The students at Jack McGee’s Pub and Grill all elected to remain stationary during the sexual encounter while reruns of Dr. Phil played on the pub TV.

The final questions on the survey were concerned with outfits. 100% of people were wearing pants when they were approached for sex. 92% elected to remove their pants at some point during sex. 79% of students were wearing the class sweatshirt they just received at Sophomore Bootcamp. The other 21% of students did not own a class hoodie but reported that they would be wearing it if they owned one. 61% of those students without hoodies reported that they were quite cold due to their lack of hoodie. The other 39% were wearing a different type of warm layer, such as a jacket. 

The results are clear. If you want to have sex this weekend, eat an elk steak, drink a cold glass of raw milk, listen to Ween, wear your class hoodie, and post up in front of Reslife with $300 in cash.