Something isn’t right about this. I’ve been doing this eating thing for a long time and I’m pretty sure a spoon ain’t a plate. I could be wrong, but I think that guy I saw walking into Moulton with just a spoon in his hand might not have swiped in. Which is crazy because Cody was right there and he catches everything. I suppose the guy could just really really like Skyr, the Icelandic yogurt. And I suppose he could carry a day’s supply of Skyr in the right pocket of his cargo pants. And I suppose he could swipe into Moulton just to grab a spoon so that he can inconspicuously transport the Skyr from his pocket to his mouth while enjoying the sun at one of those tables outside.

But that seems rather unlikely. 

I guess the question is would we blame the guy with the spoon. I mean, in hunter-gatherer times, we would probably reward that kind of resourcefulness. Imagine if Cody were a fierce lion instead of just a friendly guy. We would surely honor the agility and courage it would take to evade such a beast armed with just a spoon.

Alas, few see it this way. We are too steeped in our malicious collectivism that we look down upon these would-be heroes. Or at least I think so—I heard somebody use the term “malicious collectivism” today in class and thought it sounded smart. The point is we care too much about the common good and not enough about the guy that just wants to hit a double Monday lunch and still have enough swipes for supers.

It’s been a minute since I’ve seen my buddy Jack “Jiggins” Higgins. Where’s he been? Come to think of it, a lot of my buddies are missing. Lowkey like half the junior class. Where they at? Someone should really look into this. I miss the laughs. I miss cracking open a few brews with my buddies on a Thursday night. I also miss cracking open a few brews with my buddies on Wednesday night. And Tuesday night if Jiggins is having a good week. I miss all the ruckus in HL—the clownery ratio is all off. I miss the nights when everyone would cover themselves in shaving cream. I miss the friends I love.

I tried to talk to Italian Studies Professor Alejandro Cuadrado about this but he wasn’t of much help because I don’t speak Italian. Philosophy Professor Max DuBoff stared deep into my eyes and asked me what it means to categorize something as part of the junior class and whether our existence precedes our essence. This is shaping up to be one of the great mysteries of our age, right alongside what sank the Titanic or who built the Empire State Building. It’s extra tricky because some of the best sleuths in the junior class, including Posie “The Nosy” Cabaniss, are also missing. So I really don’t know where to turn. And on top of all that, I’m going abroad next semester. So if we don’t get to the bottom of this soon I might not get to hangout with my buddies at all.

September 2025

1. Rollback DEI in your friend group 
2. Feel unwelcome in Buck basement
3. Act like you’re better than your friends for not going abroad.
4. Get stuck in your hammock and emerge a beautiful butterfly come spring. 
5. Set up a camera on the quad for the first snow
6. Write an OpEd for the Orient that no one will read or care about
7. Write an article for the Harpoon that’s so offensive it causes someone else to write an OpEd for the Orient that people actually do read and care about
8. Join club basketball and get rimmed in multiple ways
9. Prolong your inevitable demise
10. Get recircumcised
11. Lose yourself spiritually but also to the music
12. Regrout the Osher 1st bathroom
13. Bring balance to the force
14. Lick every surface of Bax basement
15. Give up on the dream
16. Meet with Balkan shaman Sßövdn in the Albanian Alps and realize that the dream is still alive 
17. Mow down 3 first years on their way to Thorne with your bike 
18. Destroy the Sith 
19. Lose your virginity to Broccoli by DRAM ft. Lil Yachty
20. Lose your virginity to a broccoli 
21. Try every chutney. Life’s too short.
22. Change your sheets
23. Start beef with a vegetarian
24. Become the ultimate authority on the circumcision debate
25. Debate the ethics of circumcision with visiting philosophy professor Max DuBoff
26. Organize a campus visit by Charlie Kirk
27. Enroll in the United MileagePlus program
28. Earn platinum status on United Airlines
29. Apply for the United Explorer Card
30. Serve your country
31. Protest discrimination against Christians
32. Spend the night in every first year brick
33. Be the first Christian to sing the national anthem at the Bowdoin Colby hockey game
34. Be the first Christian to join ultimate frisbee
35. Be the first Christian to join an a Capella group
36. Apple air tag your professor’s spouse
37. Name a woman
38. Juice cleanse
39. Bong rip in the Chapel
40. Gut the Green New Deal
41. Split a 5×5 U-Haul unit with 10 of your closest friends
42. Take another crack at that Res Life Union, maybe it’ll be different this time!
43. Join the Harpoon!
44. Be the person at the party to accidentally turn on the lights
45. Bong Rip
46. Bong Rip
47. Bong Rip
48. Bong Rip
49. Bong Rip
50. Bong Rip