SPENCER SUSSMAN
At last week’s pub trivia battle, a formidable group of five massive nerds easily defeated all the pathetic average nerds to claim the pub trivia title. The winning group of massive nerds, who go by team name ‘Making it Trivial’, displayed impressive knowledge of U.S. presidents, African world capitals, and the Olympic Games, while the teams composed of average nerds had friends and hobbies in high school.
Continue reading “Massive Nerds Defeat Average Nerds to Win Pub Trivia”
MATT STEIN
New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.
Continue reading “Study Shows The Best Way to Get Laid Is Wearing Your Class Hoodie”MATTHEW STEIN
Now, if you have an iPhone 15 Pro or iPhone 16, you have the option to generate your own custom emojis using Apple Generative AI. These AI emojis, called genmojis, are the cutest thing to hit the internet since puppy gifs! The Harpoon staff and I compiled this list of prompts to generate the absolute most adorable genmojis to send to your special someone, friends, or family members this Valentine’s Day.
Continue reading “Top 5 Genmojis to Send to Your Valentine”BY SPENCER SUSSMAN
Overalls, rated dead last for pieces of clothing you want to be wearing if you need to quickly pee, have become popular among the student body. Originally designed to protect wearers from injury while farming, fishing, or mining, overalls now serve as an easily identifiable marker of someone who went on a multi-thousand dollar outdoor leadership program during their gap year.
While overalls may seem impractical for Bowdoin students engaged in a life of little to no physically demanding work, they served highly useful for one student last Thursday.
Patt A. Gonia, a first-year in Professor Aviva Briefel’s Victorian Ghosts and Monsters course in the English department, came to class last week sporting his finest pair of Carhart overalls. The usual lecture material analyzing the ghosts and ghouls emerging from the pages of Victorian narratives turned unexpected when Professor Briefel dropped a gallon of cow manure at each students’ desk and instructed them to follow her to the quad for a tilling competition.
Most students in the class were woefully unprepared for the surprise cow manure spreading activity, dawning two-piece outfits that left a gaping hole between their jeans and hoodie that was quickly infiltrated by copious amounts of fertilizing animal feces.
Patt, however, could be seen smiling ear to ear. “I knew a day like this would come,” he remarked. His one-piece, heavyweight bib overalls provided ample durability and protection, allowing him to easily spread the cow manure across his plot of land without fear of shit seeping into any exposed areas of skin. He easily won the manure spreading competition.
By Spencer Sussman
First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.
Continue reading “Dumbest Person on Campus Proudly Wears “You Belong At Bowdoin” Merch”By: Isa Fernandez
Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank.
Continue reading “New Security Measure: Anyone Who Drops a Cup in Thorne Will be Shot Point Blank”By Henry Stack and Matt Stein
In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs.
Continue reading “James Goldman and William Sachs Find Surprising Success at Goldman Sachs Internship”The Mt. Ararat gym is legendary stuff for Cumberland County voting enthusiasts. I pulled my PT Cruiser up to the tennis courts at 6:47 and was finished writing in candidates by 6:58. Be warned that they do have plastic covering the hardwood floor, making it hard to get a proper pickup game going. If you bring your own ball you can get some shots up after submitting your ballot, but watch out for the slightly tall rims.
Continue reading “I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five”
by STAFF WRITER | Feb 2nd, 2024
As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights.
Continue reading “An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels”by RITZ BORDIA | Jan 25th, 2024
After a season-long struggle with ice-covered slopes, the Bowdoin Alpine Ski Team has taken matters into their own hands—or rather, their own snow machines. The decision to manufacture their winter wonderland came to fruition during their weekly Thursday night Bolos trip, where the team gathered to discuss the dire need for a more traditional skiing experience.
“We were tired of pretending we were auditioning for a figure skating competition every time we hit the slopes,” remarked a team captain with a twirl and triple axel on the metaphorical ice they have been dealing with. “It was time to bring back the fluffy white stuff that makes skiing, well, skiing.”
Armed with determination and a singular STEM major, the team embarked on a mission to create the perfect snow. The concoction has been affectionately named “Powder-on-the-Go” by its members and is quickly spreading across the campus.
“We’re basically pioneers of the snow frontier,” said the closest thing to a scientist the team has (an EOS major). “Since they go to a safety school, the Colby Ski Club may have given up, but not us Bears!”
Due to an unfortunate YikYak leak, this special “Powder-on-the-Go” recipe has been released. Doing my due diligence, and in an effort of transparency, I have provided this recipe but have been told I am not legally allowed to tell you the exact proportions (but, hint, just, like, go look at YikYak).
Ingredients:
Recipe:
With love,
A Bowdoin ski and ride member
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The Bowdoin Harpoon 