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Bowdoin College Conservatives Deem Snow-Covered Campus a “Step in the White Direction”

BRUNSWICK— On January 22, William Hardwood, Associate Director of the Office of Safety and Security, issued a winter weather advisory cautioning students to prepare for an incoming storm. By nightfall, fifteen inches of snow blanketed campus. For many members of the Bowdoin community–and a slew of BOC members eager to prove just how down-to-earth they truly are (despite the Upper West Side apartment concealed beneath a spotless Arc’teryx jacket and brand-new Bean boots)–the storm ushered in a flurry of performative snow forts, snow angels, and perilous treks to the dining hall. . For others, it offered a socially acceptable excuse to lie motionless in bed watching Heated Rivalry.

But for one group, the snowfall carried deeper significance.

Thrilled to see the white snow covering what one member called the quad’s “usual visual brown clutter,” the Bowdoin Conservatives, long known for their commitment to tradition, hierarchy, and obnoxiousness, were quick to seize the moment. Several were seen pacing the quad, gazing proudly at the ground.

“Winters are supposed to be white,” said one member, squinting. “I mean, no one’s dreaming of a Black Christmas, right?”

Bowdoin College Conservatives’ enthusiasm for a white campus extends beyond just the passive admiration of winter into active campaigning. While Student Activities denied the group’s request to form a Kharlie Kirk Klub, they nonetheless encouraged the student body to participate in a “white-out” at the recent Bowdoin–Colby hockey game. Though attendees arrived in white T-shirts and various forms of campus merchandise, the Conservatives still declared the event a success.

“They wore white,” said a spokesperson. “Not really what we meant, but oh well.”

On campus, though, the snow remained a true symbol of hope. For them, Bowdoin’s snow-covered campus represents a future where white people can frolic freely, unburdened by “political correctness.” A clean institution devoted to tradition, order, and a carefully edited version of history. 

By their standards, it was looking better already. We will follow up with the group again once the snow melts, likely sooner than expected due to the climate change they so vehemently deny happening. 

World

Four-Part Beatles Biopic To Result In Four Times The Insufferability Of Fans 

With the first images of Sam Mendes’ four-part Beatles biopic released, the internet is abuzz with discussion of these upcoming films. Will Paul Mescal nail that McCartney role? Will Ringo’s nose be large enough? And most importantly, just how goddamn annoying are Beatles devotees going to be about it?

The Harpoon reached out to musicologist, Oko Yono at the University of Liverpool, for more clarity on the topic.

“When these types of films come out, we typically see two reactions. One is a collective yawn from the general public feeling cheated out of a few hours and twenty bucks to see Timothée Chalamet in a film without getting spanked on screen. The other is from the fans, who gather in a sort of hivemind to endlessly ‘erm actually’ their friends while watching,” said Yono.

Yono says she receives a large volume of calls every time a musical biopic comes out, and that trend has only gotten worse.

“I can’t imagine what’s going to happen when those four Beatles movies drop. All I can say as a professional now is to stock up on food and water for the shelter. Yes, shelter. It might be safest to ride out Beatlemania underground with a Spotify account and no music from before 1990,” she added. “If the fans try to talk to you about anything Beatles related, just stand your ground and say confidently that you listen to Radiohead. That seems to short-circuit their brains.”

All, Bowdoin

Report: Baseball Season Looking Grim as Bowdoin Loses Half of Team to ICE Recruitment Ads

With the baseball season quickly approaching, this year’s chances are looking grimmer than ever before, a feat once thought to be unthinkable. Coming back from Winter Break, the team has significantly, and unexpectedly, declined in numbers. While one would expect the player’s commitment to Division 3 college baseball to be rock-solid, it appears that there is one thing in this world these players might just treasure more: protecting the United States of America. That’s right, they fucking joined ICE. Around half of the team, approximately 14 players, will be donning ill-fitting uniforms and face masks to become ICE agents. Though the team is sad to lose their fellow teammates, the collective opinion on the team is that the brave 14 have moved on to what they have termed “bigger and better things.” 

“I throb thinking about being grabbed by a strong man dressed in a sexy camo uniform–rugged and worn–smelling of must, Zyns, and Old Spice,” says Gabe Gableson, captain of the team. “Honestly, what those agents are doing for this country touches me–their bravery has touched me in ways I’ve never been touched before.”   

Other teammates have expressed similar feelings. “My teammates’ bravery is an inspiration to me,” John Jackson said. “I long to just look in their eyes, shake their hand, and say ‘Thank you for all that you have done for me.’”

“If it weren’t for Mike Masterson, my brother, my soldier in arms, the bromance of my lifetime, I’d be donning that ICE badge right now,” Josh Jonathon said. 

“Honestly, I’m not even gonna enroll. I’m just gonna report Josh.  to ICE” Mike Masterson said. “I need him to leave me the fuck alone. Bro’s obsessed with me, and frankly, it’s a little gay.” 

Bowdoin

Slow down there buddy! Ask yourself these 20 questions before you do the Bowdoin Hello.
  1. Is your roommate or sibling hooking up with them?
  2. Is this a networking opportunity?
  3. Did you lose your virginity to them in the tent on your O-trip?
  4. Are they above 25 years of age?
  5. Did they see you eat shit that one time in the dining hall?
  6. Were you ever convinced that you were in love with them?
  7. Were you ever convinced that they were in love with you?
  8. Do you remember seeing their face but nothing about what you said to them in the Bax basement two months ago?
  9. Is it too late to pull out your phone and pretend you didn’t see them?
  10. Have they told you their name at least twice and you still don’t remember it?
  11. Did they carry their weight in that group project you did last semester?
  12. Does your roommate swear you had an electric connection with them that one night you blacked out?
  13. Are they a Varsity athlete?
  14. Have they ever waited behind you for two minutes while you filled up your 48 oz water bottle?
  15. Did they see your dick while streaking the quad?
  16. Were they in your First-year friend group that hasn’t spoken in over a year?
  17. Have they still not followed you back?
  18. Did they get just a little too close that one night?
  19. Have you ever accidentally made eye contact with them while using the urinal?
  20. Are they kind of a dick?
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“I Like Touching People,” Says Bowdoin Fencing

Coe Quad was busy on Friday, September 12th as the annual Club Fair drew wide-eyed first-years eager to make their mark and build their community. Whether it was Polar Investment, Swing Dance, Improv, or Equestrian Club, new NARPS were all looking for something to fill their weekends and strengthen their resumés. 

Robbie Ferguson (‘29) was just one of many who found such a home when he happened upon the Bowdoin Fencing table. 

“I wasn’t the type of person to play sports in high school. I mostly spent my time in my room watching… uh… videos,” said Ferguson, his voice trailing off. “But I was really drawn to the culture of the team, I’ve heard they’re really close.” 

Lee Liz (‘28), explained this succinctly: “A huge part of fencing is touching people. It’s kinda the whole point, actually.” 

Another fencer, Thompson Kelly (‘28) boasted his abilities in this department saying, “I’m really good at touching people! Last year, a guy tried to avoid me but I got him! I think I’ve touched about 25-30 people over the past year. Nothing like touching my teammates though, it’s so much more gratifying.” 

This was more than enough to convince Ferguson, who promptly signed up for the team.

“I am so glad that I’ve found a group that will touch me–not just emotionally, but physically,” he said, choking on his words. 

“I love touching people with the tip of my shaft,” Liz said, winking as she looked around at the crowd of eager new recruits. 

If you or someone you know is interested in touching people, the Fencing Team holds practice three times a week in Sargeant Gym (4:30-6:30 Tuesday & Thursday; 1:30-3:00 Saturday) and is always looking for new members! Sign up on Campus Groups! 

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The Votes are In, and Workday is Out

After a tumultuous registration season created by Bowdoin’s new partnership with Workday, the Harpoon team asked students: What is your class registration method of choice? These were the top 20 answers:

  1. The old lottery system 
  2. Working for a day
  3. Staking out the registrar’s office in tents 
  4. Begging professors for a spot in their class (and ultimately attempting to bribe them with whatever college students can afford… ramen?)
  5. Replying all to a college-wide email
  6. The bartering system
  7. A Ticketmaster queue 
  8.  Getting drafted by professors a capella style (you have 1 MINUTE to decide)
  9.  Carving a Stone Tablet 
  10.  Meyers-Briggs Personality Test
  11.  Interpretive Dance Competition
  12.  Peucinian style debate brackets
  13.  Messenger pigeon
  14.  Sexting the Dean
  15.  Whoever can survive a season of The White Lotus
  16.  Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Auditions
  17.  Timothée Chalamet look-a-like contest
  18.  Ayahuasca
  19.  Hunger Games-style fight to the death 
  20.  The Electoral College
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BREAKING: GSWS Class Spends 90 Minutes Disagreeing

BRUNSWICK–On Tuesday, seven brave students entered the Peucinian room prepared for some difficult conversation. Their class, Queering Early-Modern Trade Routes, had assigned a nine page article about the role of women and queer-identifying folks in shipbuilding during the 16th century. The students engaged in nearly 90 minutes of fierce agreement, clocking 15 instances of “jumping off of that” to go along with 11 of “to expand on that.”

Jessica White, a first-year prospective GSWS and theatre double major, spoke to the Harpoon about this harrowing experience; discussing how “It can be difficult to engage in such important, divisive texts. Everyone had deep thoughts to share, and I loved how nobody ever disagreed.”

When we reached out to President Safa Zaki, whose office responded with the following statement: “President Zaki is thrilled by any news of students agreeing. As her administration progresses, our fearless president will work tirelessly to ensure a learning environment where nobody will ever disagree, ensuring a community for those who politically align and a public execution for those who may have undesirable opinions.” 

We at The Harpoon will continue to fiercely defend our president in her unending pursuit of building a politically homogenous utopia.

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Smith Union Chair Swallows Student

BRUNSWICK, ME—Tragedy occurred on campus when sophomore Olivia Reading ‘28 suddenly went missing Saturday night. After a thorough investigation, Bill Harwood, director of Safety and Security, pieced the chilling truth together in Smith Union reporting, “We found a singular Bean Boot, a friendship bracelet, a half-finished Connections game on her iPad, and the end of a Sunrise Smoothie. Sadly, this confirmed our culprit: the very chair she was sitting in.”

The comfy chairs in the back of Smith Union have long been a campus hazard. At all hours of the day, one can find students curled up in the chairs while in various stages of a coma. It was only a matter of time until the deadly furniture was to claim its first victim. 

“The best way to describe the anatomy of a Smith chair would be the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars. We don’t exactly understand how it works or what makes it so squishy, but it appears escaping its digestive tract is rather unlikely,” Harwood said.

Since discovering Reading, the back of Smith Union has been closed off to students. While security officers are tasked with performing an autopsy of the chair, the frightening situation has driven some away. One member of security, who wished to remain anonymous, explained his fears exclaiming, “Who knows what else these chairs are capable of? If I was constantly sat on 24/7, I too would be angry! I’ll stick to breaking up parties, thank you very much.”

The College is now searching for ways to tame the wild chairs, which are close relatives of couches. According to Harwood, they “successfully dealt with the couches a few years ago by feeding them a sacrificial J.D. Vance.” He theorizes that their genetic relation could clue a solution, adding, “a similar method might work in this case. Marco Rubio could suffice.”

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Lax Senior’s Flip Flops Register 6.7 on the Richter Scale

Intense tremors were felt rippling through Smith Union early Thursday afternoon, leaving students and staff scrambling for cover. The source was not a shift in Earth’s tectonic plates, but rather the sheer force of the Men’s Lacrosse team’s flip flops.  Tyler Davis ‘26 made the terrible choice this morning to wear flip flops to class, blissfully unaware of the power each one of his steps would have.

The choice in shoe is a popular one amongst many of the male sports teams, ensuring that you can hear them approaching, no matter how far away you are. In the past, the shoe has served as an excellent indicator for when a team is approaching the line at Throne, allowing the humble NARP to get a hamburger patty or two as before the linebacker behind them takes five.

This afternoon, however, the reverberation of a flip flop was a sound of destruction, not of warning. With each step he took, the lack of support between the shoe and Davis’s already large foot created a shockwave capable of knocking over desks and creating a sizable crack in the IT Hub. With electrical wires knocked loose and the entrance to Fast Track blocked, chaos erupted throughout Smith Union. Serena Wiley ‘29 was one of the unlucky few to be in Smith when the earthquake struck.

“It was one of the scariest experiences I’ve had during my 4 weeks at Bowdoin, even scarier than whatever they’re giving us at Sunday dinners.” Wiley explained that she and her group of 9 other friends blocking the hallways with couches had to form a makeshift shelter to protect themselves from the falling debris. “We were able to make a fort out of chairs and tables,” Wiley shared, “thankfully we had just made a C-Store run so we had enough food to hold ourselves over until the rescue teams arrived”. 

We spoke to Bill Harwood, Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, to understand how Bowdoin handled the situation. Unfortunately, Harwood was unaware of the issue until three hours later, as yet another squirrel had gotten into the power lines and cut power to the South Loop.

Once Central Maine Power was able to tape the power lines back together, Harwood turned his attention to Smith. “It was a massacre unlike Bowdoin has ever seen before” said Harwood as he helped pull students from the rubble. With 6 students taken to Mid Coast Hospital and 7 still unaccounted for, Bowdoin Safety and Security is working around the clock to get this crisis under control.

Harpoon staff members located Davis on his way back to his dorm, seemingly unaware of the damage he left in his wake. Upon being shown the destruction caused by his shoe choice, Davis simply took out one AirPod and said “sick”.

All, Bowdoin

President Zaki Plans for “Exclusive” Orientation Trips in 2026

President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.

On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips. 

Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000. 

The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews. 

Other curated options include:

  • The Helping Hands Package– funded by an anonymous close friend of Trump’s, students will travel to the island of Little St. James to learn how to give 5-star massages. Hockey players and gap-year students need not apply. 
  • The Pre-Med Acceleration Package– a $35,000 package featuring hands-on instruction from the United State’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services and participation in his Make America Healthy Again Movement. 
  • The International Perspectives Package– for $62,500, students enjoy high tea with King Charles III, receive a limited-edition Royal Dorm Crest robe, and live in Buckingham Palace’s East Wing for seven days. 
  • The Be Bold Package– this Hollywood immersion trip tasks students with producing a full-length feature film starring Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, and Pedro Pascal. 

“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki. 

After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?