Baseball Player Doesn’t Use Tray at Thorne, Gets Kicked Off Team

by SAGE KASHNER Feb. 20, 2019

On Friday, Security was called to Thorne to deal with an incident involving the Bowdoin’s Men’s Baseball Team. The team had reportedly formed a mob around one of the rookie players, chanting, “Traitor, traitor, traitor!” Fortunately, Security arrived before anybody was hurt, and broke up the mob.

Continue reading “Baseball Player Doesn’t Use Tray at Thorne, Gets Kicked Off Team”

The Jonas Brothers Are the Modern Nostradamus and Here’s Why

by JACK SHANE Feb. 19, 2019

Many know the Jonas Brothers as a popular boy band who peaked from 2006-2013. However, they were much more than an excuse for fangirl triplets to get wet. Their songs actually contained subtle messages that predicted our very future. Indeed, our “great great great granddaughters” will not know the Jo-Bros as a boy band, but as an all-knowing prophet of the future.

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ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Health Services in Pocket of Big Pharma

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

FEB 18, 2019

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. HEALTH SERVICES IN POCKET OF BIG PHARMA

As flu season reached a fever pitch last week, the Orient gave us a look inside the pro-vaccination special interest group that is the Bowdoin Health Services Center. The Center has distributed 825 flu vaccines this season, likely without telling students a single one of the risks from these non-vegan “medicines.” Health Services is also attempting to infect other institutions across campus with the pro-vacc frenzy, encouraging sports teams or res-life groups to engage in vaccination.

Think the flu is the hoax? Learn about the conspiracy here.

2. BLIND DATE DINNER QUICKLY TURNS TO ORGY

The third iteration of the Valentine’s Day blind date dinner ended in raucous success. The event, which tried to deemphasize Bowdoin hook-up culture, succumbed to a massive orgy in the Cram Alumni House. Of the 30 pairings at the event, 23 reportedly resulted in 2nd dates, which doubles the amount of Bowdoin students in actual relationships.

Looking for love? Learn more here, or put a love letter in the Orient.

3. LEFTISTS PRETEND THEY NEED TO HIDE IN BASEMENTS

Dudley-Coe basement, supposedly the last bastion of leftism at Bowdoin, houses the socialist thinking club, the “Reading Group.” The group aims the promote leftist thought that the Orient claims “has remained largely absent from Bowdoin’s mainstream discourse.” Maybe Bowdoin is secretly a conservative think tank that only the Orient knows about. The covert group has yet to seek a charter from the SOOC. If leaders plan to keep it that way, they must hope Jenna Scott doesn’t read the Orient.

Are you one of the rare leftists at Bowdoin? Learn about the “Reading Group” here.

4. ROMNEY CAMPAIGN CHAIR TO TAKE REINS AT BOWDOIN

Possibly in fear of the suddenly resurgent leftist ideologies on Bowdoin’s campus, the Board of Trustees elected Robert F. White ‘77 as chair, hopefully, to serve as a check on the “Reading Group.” White served as chair of Romney’s 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns. Surprisingly, the conservative strategist still supports expanding free payouts (aka financial aid) to everyone who isn’t in approximately the top 5-10% of income brackets and ensuring opportunity for students from all backgrounds.

Want to be the next Chair of the Trustees? Try out here.

5. CURLING TEAM FINISHES REGULAR SEASON “ON TOP” (3RD PLACE)

Math isn’t everyone’s strong suit, but even someone with a cursory understanding of sports and numbers knows on top doesn’t quite mean 3rd place. Nonetheless, our friendly Orient sportswriters would like us to know the curling team in “On Top” (or they could be making a thickly veiled innuendo). Nonetheless, the curling team will enter nationals as Bowdoin’s 2nd most successful and 12th highest funded winter sport.

Want more time “On Top.” Learn to curl here.

Love the Oriental Express? Bring it to your next clandestine reading group!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow

by ELIZA JEVON February 12, 2019

Last Sunday, around 2:00 PM, poor little Sally Lovejoy was wandering alone in the meadow after losing her way on a family picnic. Panicked, afraid, and out of data, she was beginning to lose hope.

Then, all of a sudden, God–in all of his glorious nudity–jumped out of a bush.

Continue reading “God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow”

New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83

by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019

Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.

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Oriental Express: Bowdoin Career Planning Won’t Apply to Jobs for You

FEB. 11, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. BOWDOIN CAREER PLANNING WON’T APPLY TO JOBS FOR YOU

After many seniors expressed dissatisfaction with career planning, many said the center wasn’t providing enough support. Students are paying $70,000 a year to go here, but shockingly they still have to search and apply to jobs. Students with interests in the arts and journalism were particularly dissatisfied, but career planning can only do so much to revive dying fields.

Are you still an unemployed bum? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN PROFESSORS SURPRISINGLY LIBERAL

Analysis of FEC data revealed that Bowdoin professors are not the bastion of conservatism we all thought they were. All of the large donations by Bowdoin faculty were earmarked for liberal candidates and groups. Additionally, one Bowdoin trustee donated $1 million to a Democratic PAC, showing even liberals can unite over Citizens United as well. Clayton Rose also made a max donation to “non-partisan Independent” Angus King, after King wouldn’t take payment for speaking at Orientation Dinner.

See which of your professors are closeted liberals here.

3. AVERAGE AGE AT MUSIC AT THE MUSEUM: 77

The Music at the Museum series continued this past week to a raucous crowd of seniors (like actual senior citizens). The event sold out quickly as guests were concerned that all the artistically inclined Bowdoin students would flock to the event. However, the Orient was unable to find any students at the event to comment. All artistically inclined students were reportedly too busy complaining about Dighton Spooner.

Find out if your grandmother was at Music at the Museum here.

4. ICE FISHING: THE BEST BOWDOIN TEAM ON ICE

As the Bowdoin Hockey teams rock a collective 9-31-4 record, Bowdoin’s top athletes may be investing their time in ice fishing. Students spend up to five hours competing in this grueling sport each Sunday during the winter months. The ice fishing team may begin recruiting in the near future.

Did you quit hockey but miss being on a team? Take the leap here.

5. STUDENTS CONSIDER “CHARMING” MAINE POST-GRAD

At the Maine Career Fair, Smith Union echoed with overused cliches about how awesome Maine is during the summer months and what a perspective shift it would be to live and work in this state. It is almost like students would benefit from a whole four years living and going to school in Maine to learn about this quirky and whimsical state.

Wish you had the chance to live and engage with the state of Maine. Learn more here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

“Sweet Caroline,” “Jessie’s Girl,” and “Stacy’s Mom” Are All the Same Person and Here’s Why

by JACK SHANE February 10, 2019

Before you write this off as the ramblings of a mad man, hear me out. These three songs were released in an order such that the “Sweet Caroline” that Neil Diamond sings about in 1969 is a baby, likely his niece or cousin. The lyrics of Diamond’s song are much less sexually charged than the other two, showing that they are likely about a baby “reaching out to him.” Let’s be honest, there is nothing cuter than babies reaching out. His phrasing implies that he is babysitting this baby as the night “don’t seem so lonely.” He even sings about how perfect it feels “when I’m holding you.” So, either Neil is having a nice moment with his infant niece, or he is fucking this baby. Moving on.

In 1981, Rick Springfield longs to be with his best friend’s girl who, you guessed it, is (probably) named Caroline. Assuming that Neil Diamond was babysitting her between the ages of two and five, Caroline would now be 14-17, perfect age for the girl mentioned in Springfield’s high school anthem. Springfield laments about how Jessie holds her at night, likely reminding her of how her favorite uncle or cousin used to hold her when she was a baby. Hot, right?

Twenty-two years later, in 2003, Fountains of Wayne released the classic hit “Stacy’s Mom” about the same girl. Now a woman in her late 30’s, Caroline has birthed a child, who she named Stacy. This daughter has a boyfriend who longs to see Caroline. According to Rick Springfield, Caroline is a beautiful lady, which this boy now sees as well, even 20 years later. Springfield also grieves over how Caroline looks at Jessie, similar in the way that she is said to stare at the boy mentioned by Fountains of Wayne.

Gritty Live-Action “Dora the Explorer” Reboot to Feature Man Who Teaches French As He Explores Every Inch of a Woman’s Body with His Tongue

by SWIPER THE FOX February 8, 2019

In the last few years, gritty reboots of once light-hearted shows such as “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and “Power Rangers” have taken the world by storm. Turns out, there is a large market for TV resurrections that not only gut your childhood memories, but also piss on their grave. You might even be able to see a penis!

Now it’s everybody’s favorite condescending Latina’s turn. No, not Eva Longoria—Dora the Explorer! Except this time, Dora is Théodore, a sensual 5’4” Frenchman who explores every crevice of a voluptuous woman’s body, communicating with the audience under his breath as he lingers at each and every hole. Through his muttering, the audience learns the basics of the French language and the consequences of untreated late-stage syphilis.

The reboot is named “Théodore le explorateur et la femme rousse en forme de poire,” or in English, Théodore the Explorer and the Red-Haired Pear-Shaped Woman, and it debuts on HBO this spring. Jean-Luc Godard, the renowned filmmaker, called the program “the most titillating thing I’ve seen since I glimpsed Brigitte Bardot at Cannes tenderly applying sunscreen to her hairless cat.” Slavoj Žižek called it “underrated and surprisingly relatable.”

In one notable moment, as Théodore is pleasuring the woman, he begins repeating the word chatte, or “pussy.” Gradually, his voice becomes louder and he encourages the audience to yell along with him. The woman maintains a neutral expression. After the viewers have repeated the word sufficiently, the woman orgasms and Théodore looks directly into the camera while the screen fades to black. It’s a moment that is both emotional and educational.

Instead of Dora’s sidekick Boots, “Théodore le explorateur” features a totally hairless monkey named Sylvain. Generally, Sylvain sits in the background of each shot, eating shards of glass and drinking fine Burgundy wine, providing a humorous counterbalance to the action. Unfortunately, the monkey who plays Sylvain’s temperament was not to the director’s liking and his character gradually disappears over the course of the series.

Although the show is considered “completely child-friendly” in France, the BDSM scene had to be cut out before it was cleared for release in the United States with a PG rating from the MPAA.

Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

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