Scientists Discover Entirely New Species of Student In Your Grade at Career-Planning Meeting

By SARA BARONKSY April 12, 2016

Scientists believe they have discovered over 10 formerly unknown individuals in your grade after attending the all-sophomore career-planning meeting in Pickard Theater.

Prone to, “sitting in the back,” and only attending events that are “mandatory,” this newly discovered species is being called, “probably on the swim team.”

group of happy teen high school students outdoors
                           The new species captured on camera

“It amazes me that so much of Bowdoin is still unknown,” said head of research, Kelly Ryan. “These individuals aren’t like anyone we’ve seen before. I’m so excited to discover even more people who you will certainly never have a conversation with after seeing them this one time.”

The newly discovered people display a diverse array of human features, such as hair, eyes, mouths, and noses. They boast a variety of interests including sports, clubs, jobs, and majors, none of which overlap with yours.

After the career-planning meeting, sightings of the newly discovered people have been rare. Researchers warned, “we probably won’t see any of these little guys again until graduation. Maybe Ivies, if we’re lucky.”


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