National Security Agency Fulfills Campaign Promise to Listen to the People

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 13, 2016

What do you think of when you hear the phrase, “Big Brother?” An oppressive and invasive regime? An Orwellian dystopia? Well, I happen to think of Liam, my really cool older brother who bought me beer and taught me how to take off a girl’s bra. Here at the National Security Agency, we like to think of ourselves as Liam.

NSA workers like to have fun. This is a candid picture of me having fun at my desk. It was really fun.

Every year, politicians say they will “listen to the people,” but the NSA is the only organization actually fulfilling that promise. I mean, from the phone calls and emails we monitor, to the embarrassing MySpace messages and naked Snapchats we secretly save to our personal computers, we understand what the American public is feeling.

My job is a lot harder than most people think. Trust me, after listening to an eighty-year-old woman talk about her hemorrhoids on the phone with some telemarketer, you get a whole different perspective on patriotic duty. But I perform that duty because I love serving my country, even if it includes listening to my ex-girlfriend have phone sex with her new boyfriend, Josh, because you never know who could be a terrorist. And Cynthia probably is a terrorist. Bitch.

Also, I fail to understand the controversy around our practices. Why would people vote for politicians who say they will listen to the people, but then get mad when they find out the government takes that promise seriously? Maybe it’s shocking that someone out there actually cares.

On a parting note, Jeff Daniels, please speak up when you’re on the phone. You also might want to get that cough checked out.


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