By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 23, 2017

WASHINGTON — After last minute changes made by House Speaker Paul Ryal to appease the House Freedom Caucus, the American Health Care Act—the GOP’s replacement for the Affordable Care Act—will now simply be a plastic bag filled with miscellaneous pills that Ryan found behind an Arby’s franchise.

“We are finally providing Americans with the health care they want,” Ryan said. “Unlike Obamacare, the American Health Care Act offers choice. Do I want to take the big white pill today, or the little blue one? Should I take both? How many of these pills are suppositories? These are the kinds of decisions that Americans will now have the freedom to make everyday thanks to this bill.”

The Congressional Budget Office will not have time to provide a full analysis of the revised AHCA before the House votes on it tomorrow, upsetting many on the left. “Republicans are trying to sneak their bill through the House before the CBO releases a report because they know they’ll get an abysmal score,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We don’t even know how many pills are in that bag, let alone what they do, and Paul Ryan is expecting us to just trust him when he tells us they give a good buzz? We need the facts.”

Analysts predict that the AHCA will have a largely negative impact on older, low-income whites, many of whom voted for President Trump. Trump acknowledged the financial strain the bill would have on his supporters and promised to include a provision that would allocate more “fun yellow ones” to his base.