By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Apr. 20, 2017

Local misogynist woman Rosie Highman recently underwent an experimental form of plastic surgery in order to feel more like an object. She said the procedure marked a life long ambition to have her outer appearance reflect her inner self.

“I was never like those other girls as a kid,” she said. “They all wanted to be doctors or lawyers. I just wanted to stand around with my hand on my hip and my mouth slightly open for hours. I would look at these women in storefronts and just be mesmerized. Then someone told me that they weren’t people but plastic mannequins, but I told them to shut up immediately and take me to the nearest plastic surgeon.”

Ms. Highman had to make several trips to the bank, but eventually got the body she always dreamed of. “I can’t move my arms anymore, but what use would I have for them? I’m a woman.”