Professor Always Drunk for Class Finally Has Excuse During Ivies

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 28, 2017

Ivies marks the first time all semester that Professor Emily Malkin can justify coming to teach her only class, Color Theory and Surrealism in Austria, belligerently intoxicated.

Throughout the semester, Professor Malkin would drive to campus from Bath while taking swigs directly from a bottle of New Amsterdam Vodka. Amazingly, she was never apprehended by law enforcement and always arrived on time for her 2:30pm class. “My greatest fear in life is getting caught,” said Professor Malkin. “My second greatest fear is talking about color theory with a blood alcohol content lower than .15%.

Professor always drunk for class — “This is clearly a cry for help. Why won’t anyone listen?”

Her consistent intoxication hasn’t gone unnoticed by her students. “We spent an entire hour and a half last week trying to the change the topic from the color purple,” said one student. “Every time anybody said the word, ‘purple,’ Professor Malkin would start to weep uncontrollably.”

This week, however, Professor Malkin and her students will be equally intoxicated.