By HAILEY WOZNIAK May 1, 2017

Director of Housing Melissa Sandal announced this week that the singles lottery for the dejected and unhoused will be taking place as a randomized match-making service this year.

“We kept seeing students show up with broken hearts and nowhere to live,” said Sandal, “and I knew that the college just had to do more. I had to do more.”

Students will receive two lottery numbers: one for their place in the housing queue, and another for the singles lottery. Students with matching numbers will have the evening to mingle and choose their rooms with their depressing new friends. However, students who don’t have chemistry with their partners will have to choose from an array of chem-free, love-free singles. Res life will be providing soft drinks, vitamin D tablets, and on-site support for these poor, poor wretches.