By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 3, 2017

Earlier this week college officials announced that, starting in the fall of 2017, the tile floors in the first-year dorm showers will be replaced with a thick layer of miscellaneous pubic hair.

“This decision came after many hours of deliberation,” said a spokesperson for the College. “The current tile floors were very expensive, and they were already covered in a heavy coat of students’ pubic hair—so this solution is both cost-effective and sustainable.”

When asked about the sturdiness of the new surfaces, officials said that there would not be a problem as the pubic hair will be held together with plenty of semen provided by both the College and first-years who haven’t yet synced their roommates’ class schedules to their masturbation schedules.