By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 29, 2017

Female college sophomore Summers Askew is really excited to be desired less romantically this year due to her mature age.

“I guess I’m just ready for the opportunity,” said the decrepit, wrinkled old hag. “The attention I was getting was beginning to be too much. It’s nice to have a break from it all.”

The common phenomenon of aging woman being desired less than younger, fresher, more recently packaged meat dates back centuries, and is especially relevant in college dating culture. The start of a new school year means that only first-year women are exciting and interesting to boys on campus.

“The anonymity is refreshing. My thoughts are with any and all first years who have to brave the year ahead,” Askew said. “If any women out there want to experience peace, if only for a fleeting moment, my Class of 2020 t-shirt and its accompanying walker can be rented out at the Smith Union information desk.”

Askew is currently single and getting really into Planet Earth on Netflix.​